Having
just celebrated 54 years of marriage I was drawn to reflect on this blessed
sacrament. Elder Aimilianos says marriage is a journey of pain, love as well as
a journey to heaven. I can say I have experienced the pain and love in my
marriage as the two seem to go hand in hand.
The Elder
says:
“It is an adulteration of marriage to think
that it is a road to happiness as if it were a denial of the cross. The joy of
marriage is for husband and wife to put their shoulders to the wheel and
together go forward on the uphill road of life.”
A
fruitful marriage requires an understanding of love as well as having a
relationship with Spirit. When we participate in the sacrament of marriage our
souls are being joined as one. Marriage is a union of two people. Being joined
in Spirit we then begin a joint path facing all the trial and tribulations of
earthly life. But for this to be a harmonious path and one that allows us to
grow spiritually we must have a relationship based on love.
But what
is Love? Elder Aimilianos says the following:
The aim of love is for one person to give joy
to another person; to voluntarily deprive myself so the other feels at ease,
feels secure in his life.
Saint
Paul tells us that this requires “bearing patiently with another’s failings”
(Eph 4:2). This
means that love begins by accepting the other person as they are. This is the
first lesson I remember learning in the early days of my marriage of 54 years.
After our sexual passions are tamed we begin to see the failings of our spouse
and of ourself. If the marriage is to survive we quickly grasp that this
spiritual journey of union requires we accept that we are different and have
different wants and desires. We each have our passions that must be endured
until they are overcome and our self-centeredness is snuffed out. This requires
the development of humility and selflessness. I think this requires along with
our individual efforts the work of Spirit, a recognition that both partners are
made in the image of God along with the acceptance that we are both sinners,
unable to fully live the commandments of Christ. Being united in the Church we
are aided in this struggle and given help with the sacramental life. Our life
together in the Church is important. I was not Orthodx before I was married but
thankfully it was expected that I join the church. This has made it possible
for us to grow together with a shared faith. This is probably the greatest
blessing I have received.
Love
involves being kind to one another. But what does this mean? Saint Paul says,
“We are kind by forgiving one another” (Eph 4:32). My wife taught me that forgiveness is a
daily thing. For her it was important to
not let the night pass into a new day without resolving our difference. Saint
Paul also teaches this. He says, “do not let the sun go down on your anger”
(Eph 4:26).
Because of her insistence on this daily reconciliation we never grew far apart.
Another thing we learned to do later in life was to pray together each morning
and evening. We don’t always agree with each other, but we maintain respect for
each other’s needs and a tolerance of our failings.
Respect
for each other is an important dimension of love. Paul also says, “Love is
expressed by honoring one another - looking to each other’s interests” (Phil 2:4). To do this we must let our spouse have their
freedom to do what they want. We have to respect their unique and personal
interests. We have to show our delight in their pursuits and achievements.
Further,
we must learn to always be kind and to be careful when discussing our spouse’s
failings. We must first express ourselves in a way that shows respect and
brings joy, communicating an understanding of our respect and caring for them.
We cannot know what is hidden deep in their soul, but we can assume that buried
there is pain, difficulties and torments. We must therefore be very careful to
not unknowingly hurt their soul. If we can first bring a “bright face” and make
the other person smile in our discussions then both of our hearts are opened.
Then it is possible for the Holy Spirit to work in both our hearts. Our respect
and kindness for each other makes us aware of God’s love for us and we receive
more freely His grace.
Elder
Aimilianos says:
When someone shows you the love of God,
kindness, and delicacy of feeling, this is communion with God.
When our
hearts are open we see the humanness in each other and then become sensitive to
the failings we both have and have compassion. We recognize that neither of us
is perfect. From this humility comes kindness, understanding and forgiveness.
We can then help each other in our struggle.
Marriage
is made beautiful by acknowledging our human condition, having hope and being
strengthened by our difficulties. It is a spiritual journey of two people who
have been joined in a union by the Holy Spirit. We become one and have the
capability of complimenting one another because of our differences and
imperfections. As Jesus told us, in marriage “Two will be as one flesh” (Mt 19:5, Mk 10:7). Marriage is a journey of love based on
kindness and respect.
Saint
Peter also gives us insight about the nature of this union. He reminds us of
the innate difference between men and woman. He tells us that men have a
different psychology and tend to be more self-centered and more easily tempted
to become angry as their ego is challenged. He says women tend to have a
gentile and quiet spirit with patience. They are not as easily angered. I am
ever thankful that my wife has shown this quality and has the patience to deal
with my ego that is so easily hurt. Men and women naturally compliment each
other. This is all part of God’s plan for us.
Peter
also says the man must show understanding of his wife’s desires, and he must
always treat her with respect (1 Peter 3:7). Failing to do so, he risks hurting her
deeply without realizing it. I cannot tell the number of times I have learned
this lesson. Peter also says that we must have unity of mind, sympathy,
brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind” (1 Peter 3:8).
A good
marriage involves pain and love. By having respect for each other and having
kindness, accepting we are different but united in union, our struggle to
perfect this union brings us closer to God. It is a struggle that purifies our
heart so we can see God as Jesus tells us. Marriage is a spiritual journey
based on love. In this way we learn to live God’s two greatest commandments, to
love thy neighbor as oneself and to love God with our whole heart.
Source: http://orthodoxwayoflife.blogspot.com/2018/06/marriage-as-spiritual-journey.html
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