Archpriest
Paul Gumerov speaks about what is most important in family life, which rules
are necessary to obey to live long and happily, and what to follow and what to
avoid.
I greet
you, dear readers! Today we will be speaking directly on what is family life
and how to fine-tune it, to paraphrase the famous words of St. Theophan the
Recluse.
The
purpose of the Christian life generally, and of family life in particular is to
serve God and to serve your loved ones, and this is a task of paramount
importance. All that we do, as the Apostle Paul writes: Whether therefore ye
eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God (1 Cor. 10:31).
And all can be considered from the point of view of the salvation of our souls
and from the point of view of service to God and to our loved ones, and family
life has the same main task.
Very
often we see such a picture: when people for some reason can’t develop a family
life or they don’t really want to do it, they give all their unspent love and
desire to serve other people to various social projects: they take up
volunteering, visiting hospices and cancer wards, helping the homeless at the
railway stations … It’s all very good if your family life doesn’t suffer from
it, because you must first put your own home in order, help your family and
loved ones, and then you’ll be able to help others. As the Apostle Paul says in
his letter to Timothy: But if any provide not for his own, and specially for
those of his own house, he hath denied the faith (1 Tim. 5:8).
Today I
would like to speak about a few principles which I employ in my personal family
life and which I advise to people who come to me, as components for building a
happy Christian marriage.
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| Archpriest Paul Gumerov |
Here are
the principles. First I’ll name them and then I’ll explain each one:
1) Never forget what is most important.
2) Your family is you.
3) Try to communicate more.
4) Discuss vital problems, communicate.
5) Respect one another.
6) Don’t try to remake or re-educate your other
half, but be able to see the good, bright side in your beloved and in your
family life.
7) Give no place to anger and other negative
emotions.
8) Do more to please your family.
9) Give help and mutual assistance.
And now
on each of these points in more detail:
Never forget what is most important
A person
often strives for different goals in his life: career, creativity, a family…
There are especially many issues that should be resolved in the first year of
spousal life (we spoke about it in one of our previous talks). The first year
of marriage is quite difficult: we have to settle some material problems,
develop relationships with relatives, find an apartment, then follows the birth
of your first child and so on and so on. Of course, at first people don’t have
experience with any of this, which comes with the years. And in this commotion
it often happens, as they say, that we “throw the baby out with the bathwater,”
that is, to forget about the most important thing: why we united ourselves into
a family. And why did we? To love one another, to rejoice, to serve one
another. We should especially remember this in difficult circumstances. We
joined into a family not at all in order to prove who is right, who is to
blame, or to solve some problems immediately: we want it today, we want it now.
Of course, we won’t be able to solve everything immediately. And with any
problem or family conflict we must always give room for the most important
thing and pursue it.
Our family is us
Whether
we like it or not, our spiritual wellbeing, and physical too, depends now on
who is near us. I will speak about myself: at a certain point I stopped
separating myself from my family, in general: I had the feeling that I had
always had a wife and children, and they were even always of the same age as
now. It was somehow forgotten that there was a period where I was unmarried,
when I had no one near me that I cared for.
Being a
family man, you must align the orientation of your soul and all your actions
with other people—it is very important—to try so that everything is good not
just for you, or not just for someone else, because if something is bad for
you, you will reconcile yourself to it, and do so endlessly, and in the end you
won’t be able to endure it and you’ll explode; or you will habituate someone
else to dependence, or maybe even to tyranny…
In family
life we must forget the pronoun “I” and remember the pronoun “we.” This refers
both to minor issues and to those more important. Everything must be spoken
about and discussed.
Try to communicate more
In one American
university, if I’m not mistaken, they did some research to determine why
marriages fall apart, and it turns out that the majority of marriages break up
not from infidelity, not because people have different personalities, not from
economic problems, but from a lack of communication between the spouses! People
don’t find this unity which is so necessary in marriage. It probably was there
at first, but then somehow got lost, or always, even before marriage, the
partners barely spoke with one another… He and she begin to live their own
lives, and it’s very grievous when people don’t perceive their family as “we.”
It
sometimes happens: some kind of “crack” in the relationship appears and begins
to grow, but they don’t want to get a divorce, and there are already children
and they live under one roof essentially as two people, strangers to one
another, to each his own life, one not interested in the other… Once a woman
complained to me that she and her husband had nothing left in common (they were
already middle-aged) except joint housing and children. I began to question her
about what and how. She told me that her husband is unchurched, with his own
secular interests, and she is a practicing Orthodox. I asked what kind of music
he likes, which books, and in general what kinds of hobbies he has. “He listens
to Boris Grebenschikov.” And I said: “Then you should go with him to a
Grebenschikov concert. What’s the big deal?” “How’s that? No. Why would I go to
a concert?!” You understand, this person doesn’t want to make any steps towards
the other! And it’s quite sad.
A common
occurrence: spouses spend their vacations separately—she goes to a resort with
the kids, and he, for example, goes to their summer house or somewhere else… I
know very many couples who began to live this way—every man for himself. They
were united simply at some point to quickly start a family and have kids… It’s
even happened that they begin to live in separate apartments. Of course, such a
disconnection doesn’t appear immediately, and, thank God, if the people realize
it in time, they can recover their family unity—communicating with one another.
But for this you must make an effort!
My
grandfather and grandmother gave me an example of a nearly ideal family life.
They were already quite old but they were strong for seventy. Visiting them in
Ufa, my native city, I was always amazed that these people, who it would seem
already exhausted every topic, whose children were grown, whose grandchildren
were already married, were so interested in one another. Grandpa would return
from the garden and begin to tell Grandma something. They spent hours talking
about the day’s events! I was amazed at how they could discuss something! Was
it about the news that they saw on TV? Not at all. They found one another more
interesting.
I recall
one batiushka who was always very caring for his matushka, and even when he
stayed to sleep in the church house between services, he always took the phone
to call her and ask: “How are you? How are you feeling?” He gave her such
attention, such gentle care, like we usually see in young people.
Neglecting
communication is forbidden, because in communication is born community—that
community which is binding and cementing in the beginning of marriage, for lack
of which, as researchers say, marriages break up.
After a
hard day, when the kids have already gone to bed, discuss the day’s events with
your spouse over a cup of tea… This is especially for wives, who, as a rule,
sit at home with the kids, waiting for their husbands to share with him her
experiences, joys, and fears that occurred that day.
Now many
spend their leisure time surfing the web, hanging around on social media,
playing computer games, and it’s very sad. We must not forget about simple
human communication!
Discuss vital problems, communicate
This is,
properly speaking, an unfolding of the previous point: spousal communication
and dialogue over very serious issues helps to prevent conflicts I would even
say. We would manage to avoid many problems if we had discussed them
beforehand. For example, a husband bought his wife a trip to a resort, wanting
to make her happy. He wants her to be able to go there to relax in some warm
country… So he bought this ticket and he goes home quite content … but it turns
out that his wife is allergic to the sun and she can’t travel to the south. Or,
for example, he wanted to surprise her, having hung new wallpaper in the
bedroom while she was at the country house, but it turns out he chose some
color which his wife can’t tolerate due to some psychological trauma from her
childhood. And so there will be conflict and resentment… But really such
resentments could be avoided quite elementarily, if these things were
thoroughly discussed beforehand. We must discuss stuff—from something small
like the color of the wallpaper, to the most important things: how to live—with
the wife’s or husband’s parents or to build your own home, how many kids to
have… This communication should already be there before marriage, and in
marriage it’s very important to consult with one another. The final word, of
course, belongs to the husband, but he should understand that if he somehow
“goes too far,” always insisting on his way, then he will seriously ruin the
relationship with his other half.
Family is
always a search for a compromise. To discuss the important issues is a must.
Love and concord is the foundation of a family.
Mutual
respect is also imperative. A wife came to me once with a difficult family
situation, and I advised her: “You should respect your husband if you want him
to be the head of the family.” And I heard from her: “But my husband really
does not like this word—‘respect.’” Apparently, it seems to him taken from the
vocabulary of some alcoholics, supposedly, “Do you respect me?” Then I said:
“But there are other words—‘reverence,’ ‘esteem.’” They are very important
words! And by the way, it’s not only the wife who is commanded to reverence her
husband, but a husband should tenderly relate to his better half, with
reverence and devotion. And children should see this esteem and reverence,
because the example of how mama reveres and respects papa is how they
themselves will build their relationship with their father.
Don’t try
to remake or re-educate your other half, be able to see the good, bright side
in your beloved and in your family life
You know
which marriages are the strongest, the most durable, the most, we can say,
truly happy in the greater sense of the word? Not those with some idealistic
situation: the spouses having common interests, compatible personalities, and
so on. No! Those marriages are the most durable and strongest where the people
know how to value and see the good sides of their spouses and the good sides of
their family lives, and can rejoice in these gifts which the Lord has given
them. This is what happiness is.
Happiness
is not some kind of state of earthly prosperity, not a “social package:”
country house, car, obedient children, and some other components. Happiness is
precisely the ability to see and value that which the Lord gives us. To
everyone He gives some kind of such happiness, according to their strength and
possibility, and happiness is in our hands. “Look for the keys to happiness in
your own hands,” as our Russian familial proverb goes.
To
re-educate or remake your other half in some way is a completely empty task, good-for-nothing.
We can “influence” another person only if we ourselves change our attitude
towards him, if we change our behavior. Marcus Aurelius, the philosopher, said:
if you can’t solve a problem, change your attitude towards it, and you will see
that some kind of solution to the problem is found.
I
strongly advise you wives who want to remake and reeducate their husbands, to
read the book The Charm of Femininity. It’s a wonderful book! It’s an American
Domostroy.[1] An American female psychologist wrote it, but with Protestant
Christian views; although it’s written by a non-Orthodox person there are no
Protestant heresies in it. I read the whole thing from cover to cover; there
are in it, of course, American obsessions and self-promotion, but the book is
very good. It’s about how to become the ideal wife, how to overcome all your
inadequacies, right down to your external appearance and the preparation of
food, to really please your husband and how, having changed your behavior, to
influence his behavior, to encourage him to become the head of the family and
to learn how to take responsibility to himself.
And this
idealization, looking around at other families or our parents’ families or to
films or books, never brought anything good. We must remember that nothing
ideal exists, that every person has his strengths and weaknesses. You know,
sometimes they give those getting married such advice: on one half of a piece
of paper write all your spouse’s strengths and on the other all his weaknesses.
Then cut the sheet and the half with the weaknesses either tear up or burn, and
the half with his strengths—re-read more often, preferably every day.
I repeat:
every person has an abyss of good and also many shortcomings, and we all know
perfectly well that it’s better to see your own shortcomings.
Nothing
ideal exists. If it seems to you that your best friend’s husband is so
attentive and nice, think about that he most certainly has his own problems
which are either concealed or we just don’t know about them, and your family
doesn’t have such problems and your husband doesn’t have such inadequacies.
To make
your husband give you flowers every day because your friend’s husband does it
is completely wrong. Every person has his strengths which we should discern in
him.
Give no place to anger and other negative
emotions
Angry
people are always wrong, because when a person is blinded by anger he can
neither examine a conflict situation, nor correctly resolve it. And generally
in anger a person is inept and in a state of some kind of passion.
How can
we fight against anger? We’ll talk about this in a series that will focus on
family conflicts and crises, but for now I want to say just this: the habit of
getting annoyed, and the habit of making comments and nagging another person
are very bad habits. We very often see how a husband and wife already living in
marriage for a long time literally torment one another, turning life—for both
of them—into hell over wholly insignificant trifles, for completely unimportant
reasons.
Anyone
who wants to build a happy family life should take this rule: rise in the
morning, pray, supplicate God: Lord, help me this day to live without anger,
without irritation, without various empty comments. And you will see how one
day passes, the second, the third… In this way you little by little train your
soul, attune it to a peaceful disposition, and the Lord will, naturally, grant
you aid that the day might bring you joy.
Do more to please your family
The word
“joy,” “to delight” is used 211 times in Holy Scripture! The Lord calls us to
joy; He didn’t create us for suffering but for joy; usually we create suffering
ourselves through our relationships, and even sorrow. We must follow the rule
to rejoice as a counterweight to irritation, melancholy, resentment, and
grievances.
Modern
man is surrounded on all sides by negative information crushing him: the
internet, television, radio, stress, traffic… So at least when someone gets
home they should get something smart, good, eternal, and bright from family and
loved ones. And it’s really not hard: say kind words, compliment your wife,
give her chocolates, flowers, please her with the small things… These are all
easy things to do. It’s also not hard for the wife to give her husband words of
encouragement, to compliment him, not to meet him at the doorstep with talk of
your problems, but with a cup of hot tea at least if you can’t quickly make
dinner. You can please someone with various, absolutely simple small things—for
the path is not gifts, but loving attention. It’s not the magnitude of things
that someone does for us, but constant attention that is most necessary.
Give help and mutual assistance
Of course
every member of a family has his own range of responsibilities, but to lend one
another a hand and to help out is the task of this body we call the family. We
know, for example, that when someone has a seriously hurting right hand, he
develops his left. It’s the same in family life. It’s very important, I repeat,
having our own tasks to do at home, to always be ready to help someone else.
I think
of my family life. When my wife and I got married I had already lived on my own
in the seminary dorm, and knew how to cook some stuff, how to do things by
hand, but my wife is the only child in her family and she was bad with this kind
of stuff. It weighed on me that I was doing everything quickly, but I would
give her a task: for example, tomorrow is my birthday—here’s the groceries,
please prepare something—and she couldn’t handle it. I became seriously annoyed
by it, which wasn’t good for our family life. But in one moment I realized: I
just need to help her, and after a while she had learned how to do everything.
Now our
family feasts are celebrated with joy. We prepare the table together. For
example, I cut up one salad and she does the second; I prepare the main dish
and she does dessert. Together it’s quite easy, and it became even easier when
we had kids because you can give your kids some tasks to do.
It’s
important to distribute responsibilities, so the family feels like one team in
one boat. We do common tasks and there’s no bickering.
In
conclusion we’ve returned to where we began our conversation: it’s important to
always remember the first thing—why did we become a family? We became a family
for happiness, joy, love, peace and to find joy together in mutual
communication.
May God
help you all! Take care of one another!
Source: http://orthochristian.com/96866.html
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