Many
things in life come in stages, and fatherhood is one of them. My life as a
father began in 1996 with the birth of our first child, Tatiana. The day she
came into the world was one of the most glorious days of my life. I experienced
a feeling that I never had before, and I gained a perspective that had been
absent from my life until that point. I had read about the love of God the
Father for His children, but now I was experiencing it firsthand.
Realizing
that we are given the gift to co-create with God is extremely humbling. For
some, however, and for reasons not always known, fatherhood comes through
adoption - the opportunity to offer a child the same care and love as a
biological father. The truth is, fatherhood is not simply about having a child;
it’s about raising a child in a loving relationship.
A Time to Reflect
For some
fathers, there comes a time when they begin to assess their own parenting
skills, often comparing themselves to their dads. They also begin to compare
and contrast themselves to other fathers. They might reflect on their own
childhoods. Some fathers reflect on the wonderful qualities of their dads and
strive to imitate them. Others remember how tough it was and promise to never
be like their fathers.
As I
reflect on my relationship with my dad, I realize there are things that I
admire and want to emulate. He was a hard worker, committed to providing for
his family and dedicated to seeing that his three children received a good
education. Conversely, there are other things that I’ve worked hard to im-
prove upon. Ideally, as dads we are working to do a little bit better than our
fathers, and we hope that our sons will do a little bit better than us. With
the grace of God, each generation will improve upon the previous one.
A Time of Doubt
My
experience over the years as a priest, a marriage and family therapist and a
parenting coach is that many fathers doubt their parenting effectiveness from
time to time. And one particular father comes to mind.
With
tears in his eyes he told me, “I’m not a good father. I don’t feel I’m doing a
good job. I’m not home that much. I’m impatient with my kids, and I don’t feel
like I connect with them.” Emotionally, this man was broken. He shared with me
that his father wasn’t a very good example, and consequently, he wasn’t able to
give to his kids what he himself never received as a child.
It was
obvious this dad was struggling and dealing with a lot of guilt. I challenged
him and asked,
“Do you
feel you’re doing a little bit better of a job than your dad?”
“For
sure!” He replied.
“Do you
think you can improve a little more?”
“Yes, but
I need help.”
We talked
about some simple ways to connect more deeply and communicate more effectively
and patiently with his children and how to apply them to improve his
relationship with them.
As we
continued to meet week after week, his doubts and concerns over not being “good
enough” slowly began to fade. He began developing confidence in his parenting
skills, especially upon seeing positive results. As he made sure to be home
each night for dinner, read to his children at bedtime and play with them, the
children responded by soaking up all that he was able to offer them.
A strong
desire to grow as a parent and learn practical parenting and child development
skills, and - most of all - asking God to help him love more deeply were the
winning ingredients for this father who wanted to change in order to have a
better relationship with his kids.
Four Ways To Connect More Deeply With Our
Children:
1) Spend more time together: This can
mean talking, playing, laughing, dancing, whatever! Just spend more time
eye-to-eye and heart-to-heart.
2) Really listen to them: Often as
parents, when we “listen” to our children we aren’t actually listening, but
rather we are planning our response. Listening requires us to be fully present
with our minds and hearts, trying to understand our children’s world.
3) Discipline rather than punish: The word
“disci- pline” shares its root with the word “disciple” - one who is a student
or pupil. We should look at our children as learners. This doesn’t mean we
don’t set clear consequences, but all behavior challenges should be considered
opportunities for our children’s growth and our own growth as fathers.
4) Pray for them: “You
don’t need to say a lot to children. Words hammer at the ears, but prayer goes
to the heart. Prayer is required, with faith and without anxiety, along with a
good example.” – St. Porphyrios
A Time of Growth
Nobody is
born with all the skills needed to win a Father of the Year award. We grow into
the role through intentional efforts.
For some
men, it may seem more natural to parent effectively because they had great
fathers or father figures who gave them wonderful examples.
Others
had completely different experiences, growing up in homes where their dads were
abusive, home but not actually present or absent altogether. Still, I’ve met
men who were raised in diminished home environments, and yet they have become
excellent fathers because they were intent on being good fathers.
When a
man is from a home where there was minimal healthy emotional connection, one of
the most important ele- ments for healing and growth to occur is to identify
the road- blocks that he created to emotionally protect himself and that are
now preventing healthy interpersonal relationships from developing. Such
roadblocks develop over time during younger years in order to cope with the
painful relational experiences.
A man who
grows up in a home where the father is disconnected, abusive or physically
absent is left wounded, and, to be sure, the wound just doesn’t disappear over
time. Similarly, when a man becomes a father himself, if he hasn’t identified
those wounds and worked through the pain of those experiences, he will parent
from that wounded state.
It’s
important to recognize that we don’t want to parent or relate to others in life
out of our unresolved pain but from a heart that is healed and enlarged by the
grace of God.
It’s
important to recognize that we don’t want to parent or relate to others in life
out of our unresolved pain but from a heart that is healed and enlarged by the
grace of God. One father once told me, “I had no idea that raising chil- dren
would bring so much stuff up in me, but I’m grateful because I could never heal
from a wound I didn’t know existed. I never thought having kids would lead to
my own healing and help me grow into being a better father.”
Healing Old Wounds
Wounds
from childhood can impact our parenting and our lives in general. Our instinct
might be to pre- tend they don’t exist, but this can cause greater issues
internally and in our relationships. It is important to seek help to try and
tend to these wounds. Begin with prayer and reach out to a priest for guidance.
If more counsel is needed, see if your parish priest can refer you to a
counselor in your area to help you navigate the process. “Create in me a clean
heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me” (Psalm 50:12).
A Time of Thanksgiving
It’s easy
to be thankful when we feel blessed and when we experience good things in life.
It’s difficult, however, to have the same depth of gratitude when we experience
challenges. We’re not adept at glorifying God when we’re suffering.
Even
though God has given us the example of Job, we still find it hard connecting
the mercy and love of God with our suffering. We have a difficult time seeing
anything positive in suf- fering. Job, however, never separated the mercy and
justice of God from his misfortunes. He gave thanks to God and didn’t waver in
his faith and was able to give thanks to God through the duration of his
suffering. I say this because there are many opportunities for us as fathers to
convert what we believe to be difficult or doubtful times into something that
God is allowing for the purpose of our own healing and growth. Fatherhood is
filled with them. Though we see ourselves as givers, providing for our
children, we are more often the recipients of God’s grace if we care to notice.
I can say without hesitation that I have learned more from my children than
what I’ve taught them over the years.
After
twenty-one years of being a father, I still find myself doing all that I’ve
written about. I continue to experience joy and wonder, reflect on my own
parenting, reflect on how I was parented by my dad, doubt my effectiveness and
grow as God works on me through my children. The stages of fatherhood for me
have not been linear as much as they’ve been cyclical. As I stand back and look
at my role as a father, and as you look at yours, I hope that we will all be
able to say, “By the grace of God, I’m doing just a little bit better than my
father, and with God’s help, our children will do a little bit better than us.”
By Rev. Fr. Timothy Pavlatos
Source: https://www.goarch.org/-/fatherhood-a-time-of-joy-and-wonder
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