Divorces
are a real disaster of our times. Statistics indicate that every second
marriage ends in divorce, while ten years ago only every third marriage failed.
And even couples who married in the Church now divorce more often. Broken
lives, the loss of any hope of building personal happiness, unhappy children
who are very likely to imitate the behavior pattern of adults, the inevitable
diminishing of the role of family and family values in the society—these are
the most evident consequences of divorces.
Archpriest
Pavel Gumerov, rector of the Church of Sts. Peter and Fevronia of Murom in
Moscow; Nadezhda Grigoryevna Khramova, Candidate of Psychological Sciences,
Associate Professor of Social Anthropology and Psychology Subdepartment of Ural
State Technical University; and Farida Nutfullovna Savelyeva, Candidate of
Technical Sciences, a school teacher and President of the “Parents, Educators
and Scholars for Traditional Russian School with High Moral Standards” public
organization explain the main causes of the breakup of marriages and give
recipes for keeping families together.
* * *
Farida Savelyeva: Today we
can speak of divorces as of an epidemic which is raging not only in our
country, but all over the world as well. We would like to begin this talk with
an examination of the causes of this phenomenon, leaving the lion’s share of
our time for the discussion of matters related to prevention of divorces.
Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: The
institution of marriage is strong where the religious and national traditions
are observed or where the state ideology is strong. For example, in Europe,
which is losing faith and where some Church festivals are being abolished, the
family is dying. Meanwhile, young people in Muslim countries marry and have
children. In the Soviet era the Church was persecuted, yet the state sovereign
ideology which, among other things, protected family values, was strong.
In modern
Russia the Caucasus region along with the Khanty-Mansi Autonomous Area have the
highest birth rates. Well, it goes without saying that the Caucasus has strong
family traditions, but as for the northern regions, it is an achievement of the
local authorities. TV content is closely controlled and regulated there. There
are many pro-family social commercials on TV, numerous shows and reels
promoting family, marriage and having many children. Many schools have a
special subject about family life. I visited one of such schools when I gave
lectures in the town of Nyagan.
Families
are provided with other kinds of help as well. Of course, the standards of
living and the percentage of young people in this autonomous area’s population
are higher than in other regions. But that is not the main point.
A
question arises: What prevents us from promoting family values and pursuing
pro-family policies like this in other regions of Russia? The answer is that we
are still unable to formulate our national idea. But here it is: the revival of
faith, morals and family. Only these things can save our country.”
Nadezhda Khramova:
According to our Constitution, no ideology may be instituted as a
state-sponsored or mandatory ideology. But in fact it allows some groups to
promote vice and unbridled passions in society. As a result, family and
marriage in people’s consciousness are becoming less and less important: If
pleasure is the only purpose of marriage, then change of partners is
inevitable. Today we have a whole generation of young people who (due to the
specifics of their upbringing) perceive marriage and family life as lawful
“possession” of each other, which causes much mutual resentment.
Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: And we
have come close to the key reason for this state of things: nowadays, the
ideology of consumerism is dominant in a world that is designed for lowering
the average family size. The more lonely, isolated members of the society you
have, the more they consume and use computers, phones, cars, flats and so on.
These societies are oriented towards “disposable goods” and this approach
applies to all, including human relations. “If I am not satisfied with my
spouse, then it is not a problem—I will find a new one for myself, I will
change him/her just as I change cars, fridges and other things!”
The
reappraisal of values is obvious: they have been replaced with surrogates. Thus
people devalue the things that until recently were the purpose of their lives
and made them happy: closely-knit family, children, fidelity, love, friendship,
an interesting job that not only helps you earn money but also benefits others
and brings you joy. There is an acute deficiency of love in our country: we are
selfish, individualistic, and in family life we lack patience, humility,
compassion, and are incapable of carrying each other’s burdens (see Gal. 6:2).
Today
when some say that people divorce because of infidelity, drunkenness,
incompatibility of temperament and other similar reasons, they are in fact
speaking about the effects of the mentioned causes, not the causes themselves.
In our days when people get married they are unaware of the purpose of
marriage; they don’t have a good idea of what family is like, how relationships
should be built, how to raise children, and so forth.
Nadezhda Khramova: However,
Father, very often people divorce because of trifles: mutual resentment, lack
of agreement, rude words, stinging remarks, lack of thoughtfulness. Negligence,
indelicacy, lack of respect in relations, when spouses are unable to value each
other and to see what they mean to each other—these factors are destructive for
marriage. Depreciation of a spouse’s achievements by another spouse can be very
disparaging; mocking remarks and over-familiarity sooner or later may first
lead to coldness and reserve in relations, and then to a breakup. For some
reason, we often choose to show respect to others, especially to our bosses,
but not to our closest relatives.
Young
people often don’t understand that conflicts and difficulties in family life
are inevitable—they arise a priori because of imperfections in each of us. More
than that, young spouses are often not ready to become parents; there are more
and more families where women are unwilling to have children. Moreover,
infertility and babies’ birth defects are the trials that not every family can
withstand.
Despite
the apparent subjectivity and artificiality of the causes of divorces, in many
cases they are not unfounded: unfortunately, quite frequently one of the
spouses is enslaved by such vices as drug addiction or hard drinking and he is
unwilling to reform, while the other spouse and all other family members humor
him in every way. In my opinion, in this case marriage is not saving for the
other spouse and children. Anguish of mind, resentment, insults, or beatings
may lead to a deadlock, and then dissolution of marriage or moving into
separate homes may help the marriage “sober up” and survive!
Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: If an
alcoholic husband threatens his wife and children with an ax, then divorce is
most probably unavoidable: Their lives are under threat. But if someone seeks
an excuse for divorce, then every other man can potentially be accused of
“alcoholism”! Wives should pray for their husbands, help them struggle with
their passions and figure out the causes of drunkenness.”
Nadezhda Khramova: For
every person divorce is always a tragedy in all senses of this word. If someone
divorces at a young age, it means losing trust in the other partner, in the
very possibility of love between people, confidence in them. It may leave a
nasty aftertaste of anxiety, suspiciousness and even annoyance forever. As a
rule, the second marriage of such people will be marked by distrust,
resentment, and reproaches as it will bear elements of a fear of marriage and
lack of faith in the next husband or wife.
If mature
or middle-aged people divorce, it is actually a worse tragedy, especially for
women, but for men, too (albeit they are less sensitive to psychophysical
stresses)—they often lose their creative power and their lives become more
“schematized”.
Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: One
psychotherapist who worked at a crisis center in St. Petersburg (it provided
rehabilitation to survivors of road incidents, crashes and other catastrophes)
related that most of its patients were divorced women—divorce always leaves a
trace. It is a great stress, a tragedy.
Divorce
is a very individual situation. One must think through it thoroughly, consult a
priest and specialists. Hasty decisions should be avoided. The Lord tells us:
That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication,
causeth her to commit adultery (Mt. 5:32). Adultery and betrayal are terrible
things, but, as a rule, people unconsciously create concomitant circumstances
themselves. I was convinced of it in practice—as you begin to unroll the
concatenation of events and relations with a divorced person, it emerges that
the spouse who was abandoned had made many errors as well. By the way, it is
impossible to make one’s husband or wife come back without seeing and realizing
your own mistakes in marriage! Even divorce does not always mean the end of a
relationship. Sometimes after divorce people reappraise, understand, forgive
and accept each other for who they are, eventually reconcile and reunite and
live better than before separation.
Nadezhda Khramova: Modern
women have forgotten how to comfort their husbands, while men have forgotten
how to support their wives. All of this prevents relationships from developing
into one family unit! Spouses must always remember mutual respect; nobody is
closer to a husband than his wife and nobody is closer to a wife than her
husband—they are the closest people to each other, they can support each other
like nobody else and, at the same time, hurt each other like nobody else! And
the greatest task here is to teach them to live together!
Farida
Savelyeva: Are there any universal rules of building relations between spouses
that can guarantee a lasting and happy marriage?
Nadezhda Khramova: First of
all, it is the tradition of daily meeting of spouses and seeing a spouse to the
door, which has been known since time immemorial. A spouse who was going away
was not left without attention—the other spouse kissed him/her, they made arrangements,
discussed the point of the spouse’s destination and time of return. Thus they
“calculated” the distance at physical and spiritual levels which was to be
covered by prayer. Bidding one’s spouse farewell just before leaving home also
means “forgive me” [in Russian the words meaning “farewell” and “forgiveness”
are very similar: “proshchaniye” and “proshcheniye”]—thus we admit our
imperfection and ask forgiveness for all our shortcomings; but the main point
is a demonstration of our unity. If a wife asks where and for how long time her
husband is going, it does not mean that she controls him—it means that she
wants always to be with him in her mind!
Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: It would
be good if couples would introduce this rule into their relations—it is a very
uniting factor. For example, before I go out of the house my wife gathers our
children and says: “We say good-bye to our father, we take his blessing!” When
I come home everybody meets and greets me again—this custom is to my wife’s
credit.
Nadezhda Khramova: Another
tradition that should be revived in families is the common meal, which should
be done at least in the evenings! It contributes to the unity of spouses and
families as well.
Archpriest
Pavel Gumerov: By the way, in the sixteenth century the Archpriest Silvester,
an outstanding and well-educated author, wrote in his famous Domostroy [Russian
book setting out rules of house management and family life]: “A husband and a
wife shall not eat their breakfast separately, unless one of them is ill; and
they shall eat and drink only at the appointed time.” The meal was a time when
families gathered and could talk and discuss day-to-day affairs. Another
extract from that book reads: “In all affairs of everyday life a master shall
take counsel with his wife.
Nadezhda Khramova: Another
important moment is a joint discussion of parental issues. Of course, it is
wise to find the appropriate time for this—one shouldn’t “pour out” the
problems of the day on the weary husband “at the doorstep!
Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: It is
important to remember that spouses should discuss their family problems when
they have very good, amicable relations, when they are well disposed towards
each other—otherwise the words will be misinterpreted. And what usually happens
nowadays? Spouses keep silent, endure to the last, and begin to discuss serious
issues only when they cannot stand it any longer. Of course, nothing good comes
of it. They use raised voices, take everything as a personal insult and it
results in a quarrel.
If we
want our partners to interpret our words rightly and don’t want to hurt them,
then we should remember such a thing as “reflexive message”. So, instead of
saying, “You must help the child with homework because I am struggling to cope
with three kids!” or, “You must tidy up the room and cook dinner!” we should
say, “I would appreciate if you could…” or, “Could I ask you to…” or, “I’d like
you to…” or, “I am concerned that…” and so on. We should express our wishes
without annoyance, categoricalness, without offending or hurting anybody.
Believe me, that is much more efficient than repeating a demand with commanding
voice and irritation a dozen times. It is important that your other half feel
your benevolence—it is wrong to impose daily household chores on your spouse.
And, beyond all doubt, one shouldn’t forget to thank one’s other half for any
simple and routine work—after all, family happiness and joy consist of these
nice, pleasant moments and words.
Nadezhda Khramova: It is
important to settle minor disputes in time, to discuss them, not to
“accumulate” and postpone them “for later”. It is also vital to understand that
men and women see problems absolutely differently. Surely, experience comes
with years, but nothing can be achieved without efforts and one should work
hard to attain success.
Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: When we
were in love, we were ready to do everything for our sweethearts, said pleasant
words to each other, gave presents, devoted much attention and time to each
other. What prevents us from doing the same today in our family life?! Did we
expect stinging remarks, vitriol, or reproaches from our loved ones before
marriage? No, we expected joy, which we felt in the period of our infatuation,
and to the highest degree. There is a song by the well-known artist Bulat
Okudzhava: “Let us pay each other compliments—after all, these are love’s great
and happy moments!
It is
important to remember that we enter into a marriage in order to serve each
other, to make our spouse happy and find joy in family life. Our main task is
to learn to be happy not because somebody did something for us but because we
did something for another person! When we learn to do it, then our joy will be
boundless and we won’t need anything else—neither gifts nor praises! And in
fact it is the fulfilment of the Lord’s commandment: By serving your neighbor
you serve God. Why did God create Eve for Adam? After all, Adam lived in the
Garden of Eden, the Lord provided for him, fed him, communicated with him
directly. Why is it not good for man to be alone? Why does he need a wife?
Maybe it would have been enough for Adam just to communicate with God? No, the
Creator gave Adam a wife because if a person lives on his own he becomes very
selfish, ‘a consumer’, and lives only for himself. When somebody else is near
us, we serve God through serving him/her, because all that the Almighty wants
from us is our broken and contrite hearts! God wants us to express our love for
Him through our love for our neighbors—and these people are our husband or
wife, children, parents… And the main thing is to preserve our ability to give
joy amid the difficulties, when we are building our family life, our hearth,
after a period of courtship. It is advisable to start every morning with the
prayer: “Lord, help me give more joy to this person and not upset him/her!” It
makes your life and the lives of your nearest and dearest meaningful and happy!
Very many
couples don’t have a full family life, filled with joy. Instead, they live
inertly, “go with the flow,” or wait for something all the time. I remember
that in one modern movie the main character, a policeman, admits with sadness,
“My wife and I did not live but, rather, permanently waited for something.
First we waited until we earned enough money for buying a flat and a car; then
we waited for our first baby—and we did not have children for five years; after
that we waited for our daughter to grow up. But maybe we should have lived, not
waited all this time?” Yes, and they should have taken joy in every single day
of family life.
Nadezhda Khramova: This is
exactly the main prerequisite for a union of a man and a woman in one flesh and
one soul. But in some cases when spouses have plenty of everything and begin to
lead a life of luxury, distortions in family life may emerge, though while they
were overcoming their difficulties together their relations were healthy.
Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: Unless
you have joy in giving others disinterested help, you will sooner or later
begin to reckon: You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. And then
resentment and dissatisfaction with your family life and your other half will
follow.
Farida Savelyeva: What can
we recommend those who are thinking of divorce?
Nadezhda Khramova: If you
search for a better partner in life by betraying your spouse it will lead only
to one result—you will lose yourself. In our times, family (namely one family
for one’s entire life) is the eternal reminder of the Lord Jesus Christ Who,
calling on us to be perfect, affirmed that one marriage that lasts for a
lifetime is ideal. Any marriage can always be saved, unless the situation is
aggravated by unsolvable problems. I would say to a couple: “If you divorce,
your lives won’t improve. You shouldn’t count on the success of a second
attempt. Since you have not solved the problems that arose in your first
marriage, you will surely encounter them in your second marriage and they will
even double! If you feel you have come to the point of divorce, then remember
that it is not the end—these are only temporary difficulties that you must
overcome!
Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: I would
recommend to those who are on the brink of divorce to try to understand how you
got to this critical point, to realize the mistakes, in particular your own
mistakes; then you will be able to overcome the deadlock of misunderstanding
and disaffection. Family life, like spiritual life, is not all clear sailing.
We all have our ups and downs. The main thing is not to act recklessly, not to
make rash decisions and not to think that it is the end of the relationship.
And at some point nearly all spouses have thoughts like these. Know that these
are diabolical temptations. If you do divorce, you will feel very bitter and you
will come to understand that you did not have serious reasons for drifting
apart. Misunderstanding and arguments are practically unavoidable in marriages,
but you should remember that it is possible to overcome anger, beginning with
annoyance; rash steps are generally made in annoyance and irritation. You need
to break free from your emotions, anger, or jealousy—they are very poor
“advisers”. You need to quiet down and see a specialist, because being on the
verge of divorce is already an illness that should be treated! Nothing
disappears of itself. Happy memories are very helpful in such situations. The
spouses have lived together, say, for fifteen years—and has their family life
always been as bad and disastrous as today?!
There is
a short story by the modern author Alexander Prokhanov entitled, “A Dress of
Many Colors”. One man’s wife leaves him. This man constantly changed places of
employment: drilled boreholes, built an oil-pipeline, worked as a truck driver,
and made a living by fishing. Thus they moved from one place to another across
the country for a long time without permanent residence, without a home of
their own, remaining childless. At last the wife resolves to part with him—she
longs for simple happiness, a home, a genuine family. At first the abandoned
husband does not worry much. “I don’t care! There are lots of other women
around!” But soon he begins to recall the time when they were a young,
beautiful and happy couple, when they loved each other and enjoyed their life
together. He recalls all the joys and sorrows they had together. He finally
recollects how he once gave his wife a many-colored dress and how beautiful she
looked in that dress. He finds this old and tattered dress and realizes that
all he had been doing over those years—his job, his search and aspirations—all
of this had been done for his wife’s sake and together with her. Without her
all these things are worthless. So the man decides to find his ex-wife at
whatever the cost because life is meaningless without her.
If you
cannot change the situation and find a solution right now, don’t take
ill-considered and thoughtless steps. Give place to God and time, and He will
provide such circumstances that will show you the path.
In any
case, do try to put off your divorce. It is a tragedy for you, for your spouse,
for your children—absolutely for everybody! The lives of your children will
change radically, and they will certainly build their own families under the
shadow of the tragedy they have experienced.
Spouses
quarrel and reconcile, but for some reason they don’t think about their
children—they are not to be blamed for anything! In the end, their
children—innocent and vulnerable creatures—become hostages of the parents’
egos.
In
conclusion I would like to share several more rules that I apply in my own
family life as well. As Blessed Augustine of Hippo said, family is a little
piece of Paradise on Earth. People marry for their happiness and build a small
‘Paradise’ in their families with their own hands. We should give joy to our
loved ones every day: say pleasant words to them, praise, thank, help each
other, forgive. At the same time, we should do our best to avoid bad, unkind
words, coldness, inattention, insults, petty and unnecessary reproaches,
annoyance and anger during the day. Another important rule is the ability to
see as many positive sides in your beloved spouse and advantages of your
married life as possible, to cherish them and not to try to re-educate and
change people around you. The ability to forgive the faults of your neighbors
and not to make a tragedy of them is very essential as well. And the final
point. You should do your common family work. Family is one organism, all of
whose members share one common life and help one another.
And one
more piece of advice to those who are going to marry: You should enter into
marriage thinking that it will last forever, and accept your chosen one as your
life’s companion, sent to you by God, and to mend your own faults, among other
things.
By Archpriest Pavel Gumerov, Nadezhda Khramova,
Farida Savelyeva
Source: http://orthochristian.com/104238.html
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