There is
a lot of literature out there today that seems to lean towards parents needing
to override their own emotions and “not get angry when dealing with our kids”
in order to parent effectively. Is this really the best advice? Is that even
realistic? What is that actually teaching our children?
The other
day, I was sitting with a little girl who looked over at her mother with
disdain, and said, “You are so annoying to me. I just can’t stand you
sometimes.” Mom, of course hurt, embarrassed and feeling utterly disrespected,
became enraged and spewed out, “You will not speak to me that way. You have
absolutely no respect for people.” The little girl described her negative
perception of her mom and mom retaliated with her own negative perception of
her daughter. Both describing each other instead of their own feelings. The
little girl sat smirking as if even more validated in her position about her
mom, and mom sat steaming. Immediate detachment without a road for repair and
all having taken place in 30 seconds.
The first
step I ask parents to think about when parenting issues come up is, “What do
you feel? What do you want to teach here? What do you want your child to
actually learn from this?” Knowing what you are bothered by, and what you feel
in those moments, can often point you in the right direction to a teachable
moment. Our own emotions can be a life giving tool to our children when used
with good intention. I don’t think it is realistic or healthy to override our
own feelings as parents. We do however, need to use them with a mission to
teach rather than to preach. When our children feel the natural consequences
that their words and behaviors have on others’, without our adding fuel to the
fire, they are learning a powerful life lesson.
So, how
did I intervene? The first thought I had when this happened was, “Wow, that
must of hurt to hear.” I went immediately to my own emotions. “Did that hurt
your feelings?” I asked the mother. “Of course it did,” she said, as tears
welled up in her eyes. “Tell her that,” I said. Let her know what you felt when
she chose to speak to you that way. So, she turned to her daughter and said,
“Your words just now…they hurt me.” The daughter sat quiet, but you could see
the tears welling up in her own eyes. “What do you feel in hearing that?” I
asked. “Bad about myself,” she said. “Was that your intention?” I asked the
little girl. “Do you want to hurt your mom?” “No,” she said, “I just don’t like
when she asks me to do chores right when I get home after school.” “Wow,” I
said, “What would happen if you just shared that with her?” She looked at her
mom and said, “When I first get home from school, I need time to decompress
before you start asking me to do chores. I am tired and overwhelmed by all the
work I have that I can’t even keep up with.” Mom, in hearing that, was of
course absolutely able to relate and said, “All you had to do was tell me that.
I get that. I just need your chores done, I don’t care when you do them.”
A simple
fix for what could have been a lasting moment of detachment. Its moments like
these that can so easily end poorly if we aren’t careful. Next time your
children talk back to you, do plug into your own emotions as a parent. Let them
point you in the right direction of what you actually want to teach your child.
Share with them your intention. Ask your children to describe their own feelings
rather than describing you, so that real problem solving can occur. Our
feelings as parents, can and will encourage limits within our children when
used with purpose, intention and value.
“Bring up a child by teaching him the way he
should go, and when he is old he will not turn away from it.” Proverbs 22:6
Source: http://www.familylifeministry.atlanta.goarch.org/healthy-minds-healthy-souls-parental-emotions-to-yell-or-not-to-yell/
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