XI
"Agony,"
I heard this word pronounced over me by the doctor.
Since I
did not speak, being completely concentrated within myself, and my glance
expressed a complete absence of affect in relation to the surrounding world,
the doctors evidently decided that I was in an unconscious state and spoke
about me audibly without restraint. But meanwhile, I not only excellently
understood all, but it was impossible for me not to think and observe to a
certain degree.
"Agony,
death!" I thought, having heard the words of the doctor. "Am I really
dying?" Turning to myself, I spoke out loud; but how? Why? I cannot
explain this.
I
suddenly remembered a learned discourse dealing with the question of whether or
not death is painful, which I once read long ago, and, having closed my eyes, I
examined myself with regard to what was taking place in me at the time.
No, I
felt no physical pain whatsoever, but undoubtedly I was suffering. I felt heavy
within and weary. What was this from? I knew of what sickness I was dying; what
was the case here, was the edema choking me, or was it depressing the activity
of the heart and this was making me weary? I do not know. Perhaps such was the
explanation of my oncoming death according to the ideas of those people, of the
world, which now was so alien and remote from me. I, however, only felt an
insurmountable striving towards somewhere, an attraction towards something
concerning which I already have spoken.
And I
felt that this attraction increased with each moment, that I already had just,
just about come very close, almost in contact with that magnet which was
attracting me, which if I should touch, would cause me with my whole body to
become fused with it, to grow into one with it in such a manner that no force
would then be capable of separating me from it, and the more strongly I felt
the proximity of this moment, the more fearful and depressed I became, and this
was so because I simultaneously felt a resistance to this with increasing
clarity, I felt more clearly that I as a whole could not unite, that something
had to separate within me, and that this something was striving away from the
unknown object of attraction with the same intensity that the something else in
me was striving towards it. It was this struggle that caused me weariness,
suffering.
XII
The
meaning of the word "agony," which I heard, was entirely understood
by me, but now everything in me somehow turned away from my relationships, feelings
and extended to my conceptions inclusively.
Without
doubt, if I had heard this word even at the time when the three doctors were
examining me, I would have been frightened to an alarming degree. Likewise, if
such a strange turn had not taken place in my sickness, if I remained in the
ordinary state of a sick man, even at the present moment, knowing that death is
approaching, I would have understood and explained all that had taken place
with me differently; but in the present state the words of the doctor only
surprised me, not having aroused that feeling of fear which is characteristic
of people who are thinking about death, and I gave an entirely unexpected, in
comparison with my previous conceptions, interpretation to that state which I
was experiencing
"Well
now, so that's what it is! It is the earth that is drawing me so,"
suddenly it dawned on me. "That is to say, not me, but that which belongs
to her, that which she let me have for a period of time. And is the earth
drawing it, or is matter itself trying to return to her?"
And that
which previously seemed so natural and true, and namely, that after death I
should turn completely to dust, now appeared unnatural and impossible.
"No,
I as a whole shall not disappear, I cannot," I almost screamed out loud,
and made an attempt to free myself, to tear myself from that force which was
attracting me, and suddenly I felt a calm within myself.
I opened
my eyes, and everything that I saw in the course of that minute, down to the
slightest details, registered in my memory with complete clarity.
I saw
that I was standing alone within a room; to the right of me, standing about
something in a semi-circle, the whole medical staff was crowded together:
having put his hands behind himself and gazing intently at something which I
was unable to see due to their figures, stood the head physician; behind him,
slightly bent forward — the younger physician; the old assistant doctor,
holding a bag of oxygen in his hands, with indecision shifted from one leg to
the other, evidently not knowing what to do with his apparatus, either to bear
it away, or not to do so, since it could still be of use; and the young doctor,
having bent down, was supporting something, but due to his shoulder, only the
pillows were able to be seen by me.
This
group struck me with surprise: at the place where they were standing there was
a bed. What was it that drew the attention of these people, what were they
looking at, when I already was not there, when I was standing in the midst of
the room?
I moved
forward and looked where they all were looking:
There on
the bed I was lying.
XIII
I do not
have any recollection of experiencing anything like fear when seeing my double;
I only was perplexed: how can this be? I feel myself here, and at the same time
I am there also.
I looked
at myself standing in the midst of the room. Why this without doubt was me,
exactly the same as I always knew myself to be.
I wanted
to touch myself, to take the left hand by the right: my hand went right
through; I tried to grasp myself at the waist — my hand again went through my
body as through empty space.
Struck by
such a strange phenomenon, I wanted that some one nearby should help me
understand what I at was happening and, having made several steps, I extended
my hand, desiring to touch the shoulder of the doctor; but I felt that I was
walking strangely, not feeling contact with the floor; and my hand, no matter
how I tried, could not reach the figure of the doctor. Only perhaps a few
inches of space remained, but I was not able to touch him.
I made an
effort to stand firmly on the floor, but, although my body obeyed my attempts
and lowered itself, yet it could not reach the floor just as the figure of the
doctor was not able to be reached before. Here also an insignificant amount of
space remained, but I could in no way overcome it.
And I
vividly remembered how several days ago the nurse of our ward, desiring to
guard my medicine from becoming spoiled, lowered a vial containing it into a
pitcher of cold water. However, there was much water in the jug and immediately
the light vial was buoyed up; but the old nurse, not understanding what had
taken place, persistently tried one, two, and three times to lower it down to
the bottom of the pitcher and even held it down with her finger in the hope
that it eventually would remain there. But hardly had she removed her finger,
than it again would be carried upwards to the surface.
Evidently
in a similar manner, the surrounding air must have become too dense for me, for
present me.
XIV
What
happened to me?
I called
the doctor, but the atmosphere in which I was found turned out to be entirely
unfit for me; it did not receive and transmit the sounds of my voice, and I
understood myself to be in a state of utter dissociation from all that was
about me. I understood my strange state of solitude, and a feeling of panic
came over me. There really was something inexpressibly horrible in this
extraordinary solitude. If a person becomes lost in a forest, is drowning in
the depths of the sea, caught in a fire, sitting in solitary confinement — he
never loses hope that he will be heard. He knows that he will be understood if
his call for help is carried to somebody's hearing; he understands that another
living being sees him, that the guard will walk into his casemate, and he will
be able to start speaking with him, express what he desires and the other will
understand him.
But to
see people about oneself, to hear and understand their conversation, and at the
same time know that no matter what happens to you, you have no opportunity
whatsoever of informing them of your presence and of expecting help if in need
— from such a state of solitude my hairs stood on end, the mind became torpid.
It was worse than being on an uninhabited island, because there at least nature
would have manifested positive signs of receptivity of one's individuality; but
here, in this one deprivation of the capacity to associate with the surrounding
world, as an unnatural experience for a human being, in it there was so much
deathly fear, such a horrible acknowledgment of helplessness, which one is
neither able to experience in any other situation nor convey in words.
I, of
course, did not give in at once; I attempted in all possible ways and tried to
make my presence known, but these attempts only brought me complete despair. Is
it really possible that they don't see me? — I thought with despair and
repeatedly approached the group of people standing over my bed, but none of
them turned around or paid attention to me, and now I looked at myself with
perplexity, not understanding how it was possible for them not to see me, when
I was the same as I had always been. I made an attempt to touch myself, and my
hand again only passed through air.
"But
I am not a ghost. I feel and am conscious of myself, and my body is a real
body, and not some kind of delusive ‘mirage,’" I thought, and again looked
at myself intently and became convinced that my body really was a body, because
I could observe it and see its minutest details, even a dot, with complete
clarity. Its external appearance remained the same as it had been previously,
but evidently its qualities changed. It became inaccessible to touch, and the
surrounding air became too dense for it so that complete contact with objects
was not possible.
"An
astral body. It seems that is what it is called?" the thought flashed
through my mind. "But why, what has happened to me?" I asked myself,
trying to remember if I ever had heard descriptions of such states, of strange
transfigurations in sickness.
XV
"No,
you cannot do anything here! Everything is finished," the young doctor
said, waving his hand in a hopeless manner, and went away from the bed on which
was lying the other me.
I felt
inexpressibly vexed, that they continue to reason and fuss over that me which I
completely did not feel, which did not exist for me, and were leaving without
attention the other real me, which is conscious of everything and being
tormented by the fear of obscurity, seeks, demands their help.
"Is
it possible that they will not find out. Is it possible that they do not
understand that I am not there?" With disappointment I thought and,
walking up to the bed, I looked at that me, which at the expense of my real me,
attracted the attention of the people in the ward.
I
glanced, and here only for the first time the thought emerged: is it possible
that that which has happened to me, in our language, in the language of living
people, is defined by the word "death"?
This
occurred to me because the body lying on the bed had all the appearances of a
corpse: without any movement, not breathing, the face covered with a kind of
pallor, with firmly compressed, slightly cyanotic lips, it vividly reminded me
of all the deceased that I had ever seen. It may seem strange at first, that
only in seeing my lifeless body I comprehended what really had happened to me,
but if one carefully considers and thoroughly perceives that which I felt and
experienced, such a strange, on first sight, perplexity on my part becomes
understandable. With our understanding of the word "death" there is
inextricably bound the idea of some kind of destruction, a cessation of life,
how could I think that I died when I did not lose self-consciousness for one
moment, when I felt myself just as alive, hearing all, seeing all, conscious of
all, capable of movement, thought, speech? Of what deterioration could there be
any consideration here, when I splendidly saw myself, and at the same time even
acknowledged the strangeness of my state? Even the words of the doctor, that
"all is over" did not draw my attention and did not call forth a
guess concerning that which had taken place — to such a great extent did that
which took place with me differ from our conceptions of death!
The
dissociation from everything about me, the split in my personality more than
anything could have made me understand that which had taken place, if I should
have believed in the existence of a soul, if I were religious; but this was not
the case and I was guided solely by that which I felt, and the sensation of
life was so clear, that I only was perplexed with the strange phenomenon, being
completely unable to link my feelings with the traditional conception of death,
that is to say, while sensing and being conscious of myself, to think that I do
not exist.
Subsequently
I often had the opportunity of hearing from religious people, that is to say,
those not negating the existence a soul and after-life, the following opinion
or supposition: that as soon as the soul of man has shuffled off its
corruptible flesh, it immediately becomes a kind of an all-knowing essence,
that for it there is nothing unknown, and it is astonishing how in the new
realm of reality, in the new form of existence, that it not only immediately
enters into the field of new laws which are revealed to it by the new world and
its own changed state of being, but that all this is so akin to it, that this
transition is like a return to a real homeland, a return to its natural state.
Such a supposition is founded mainly on the idea that the soul is a spirit, and
those limitations do not present themselves for the spirit that exist for the
physical part of man.
XVI
Such a
hypothesis, of course, is entirely untrue.
From what
has been described above, the reader sees that I arrived in this new world
essentially the same as I had left it, that is to say, with practically the
very same capacities, conceptions and knowledge which I had while living on
earth.
For
example, when I wanted somehow to make my presence known, I had recourse to
those means which are commonly used in these cases by all live people; that is
to say, I called, approached, tried to touch or push someone; having noticed a
new quality of my body I felt it to be strange: consequently, my previous
conceptions remained in me; otherwise it would not have seemed strange to me, —
and desiring to become convinced in the existence of my body, I again had
recourse to the usual method that I had been accustomed to in these cases as an
earthly human.
Even
after having understood that I had died, I did not grasp by means of some kind
of new means the change which had taken place within me, and, being perplexed,
I either called my body "astral," or before my attention there
emerged the following idea, was not the first man ever to be created given such
a body. And later, with the fall of his leathern sacerdotal vestment, which is
mentioned in the Bible, is this not that corruptible body, which is now lying
in bed and would in a short time change to dust? In short, desiring to
understand what had taken place with me, I proposed such explanations which
were known and accessible to me according to my mundane conceptions.
And this
was to be expected. The soul of course is spirit, but spirit is created for
life with the body; therefore in what way can the body be anything like a
prison for it, some kind of bonds that chain it to some supposedly unrelated
form of existence?
No, the
body is a lawful dwelling place that has been, as it were, placed at the
disposal of the spirit, and therefore it will appear in the other world at that
level of its development and perfection, which it had attained during its joint
existence with the body, in the lawfully established form of its existence. Of
course, if during life a person was spiritually developed, spiritually
disposed, then his soul will feel more related and things will therefore appear
more understandable in this new world than that of the soul of the person who
lived never thinking of the other world, and while the first will be in a
position, so to say, of reading these, even though not rapidly and not without
mistakes, the second, similar to my case, has to begin from the rudiments. Time
is needed in order to understand both that fact which it never had thought
about, and that actual realm in which it now finds itself and where it never
drifted mentally during earthly existence.
Afterwards
in recalling and thinking over my state of being at the time, I noticed only
that my mental capacities functioned with such striking energy and swiftness,
that it seemed not the slightest trace of time remained after I had made the
exertion to comprehend, compare or remember something. Hardly had something
appeared before me when my memory, immediately penetrating into the past, would
dig up all the slightest bits of knowledge concerning a given subject which
were carelessly lying about and forgotten; and that which at another time would
doubtlessly have aroused a feeling of perplexity, now appeared as if it were
quite apparent. At times, by virtue of some infusion of power, I even guessed
beforehand that which was unknown to me; but this nevertheless not before it
actually appeared before my eyes. And it was only this latter condition that turned
out to be the outstanding quality of my capacities, besides those other, as it
were, expected changes which resulted from my altered state of being.
XVII
I am now
proceeding with the narration of the further circumstances in my unbelievable
occurrence.
Unbelievable!
But if up until now it has seemed unbelievable, then these further
circumstances will appear as such "naive" stories before the eyes of
my learned readers, that it would not be worth relating them; but perhaps for
those who should want to view my narration differently, the naiveté itself and
scantiness of the material presented will serve as proof of its veracity;
because if I were making up this narration — imagining it — then such a wide
field opens up for one's fantasia here that, of course, I could have thought up
something more subtle and effective.
Now then,
what further took place with me? The doctors, walked out of the ward, both
assistant doctors were standing about and trying to explain the stages of my
illness and death, and the old nurse turned to the ikon, crossed herself and
audibly expressed the accepted wish in such cases:
"May
he inherit the kingdom of heaven, eternal peace to him."
And
hardly had she uttered these words, than two Angels appeared at my side; for
some reason in one of them I recognized my Guardian Angel, but the other was
unknown to me.**
Having
taken me by the arms, the Angels carried me right through the wall of the ward
into the street.
b
It
already had grown dark. Snow was silently falling in large flakes. I saw this,
but the cold and in general the difference in temperature between the room and
outside I did not feel. Evidently these like phenomena lost their significance
for my changed body. We began to quickly ascend. And the degree to which we had
ascended, the increasingly greater became the expanse of space that was
revealed before our eyes. And finally it took on such terrifyingly vast
proportions that I was seized with a fear from the realization of my
insignificance in comparison to this desert of infinity. Here also certain
peculiarities of my vision became apparent to me. Firstly, it was dark and I
saw everything clearly in the dark; consequently my vision received the
capacity of seeing in the dark; secondly, I was able to include in the field of
my vision such a vast expanse of space, which undoubtedly I would not have been
able to do with my ordinary vision. And at the time I was not conscious of
these peculiarities, but, that I did not see everything, that no matter how
broad the field of my vision was. Nevertheless a limit existed for it. This I
understood very clearly and was terrified by it. Yes, to what a great extent is
it characteristic for man to give a permanent kind of value to his
individuality: I recognized myself to be so very unimportant, a meaningless
atom, the appearance and disappearance of which would of course remain
unnoticed in this limitless space, but instead of finding some kind of
consolation in this, a kind of security became frightened ... that I could get
lost, that this unbounded vastness would swallow me up like a sorry particle of
dust. A most wonderful rebuttal by an insignificant particle of the common (as
some think) law of destruction, and an outstanding manifestation of man's
acknowledgment of his immortality, of the eternal state of being of his
individuality!
XIX
The
conception of time was absent in my mental state at this time, and I do not
know how long we were moving upwards, when suddenly there was heard at first an
indistinct noise. And following this, having emerged from somewhere, with
shrieks and rowdy laughter, a throng of some hideous beings began rapidly to
approach us.
"Evil
Spirits!" — I suddenly comprehended and appraised with unusual rapidity
that resulted from the horror I experienced at that time, a horror of a special
kind and until then never before experienced by me. Evil spirits! O, how much
irony, how much of the most sincere kind of laughter this would have aroused in
me but a few days ago. Even a few hours ago somebody's report, not only that he
saw evil spirits with his own eyes, but only that he believed in their
existence as in something fundamentally real, would have aroused a similar
reaction! As was proper for an "educated" man at the close of the
nineteenth century, I understood this to mean foolish inclinations, passions in
a human being and that is why the very word itself had for me not the
significance of a name, but a term which defined a certain abstracted
conception. And suddenly this "certain abstracted conception"
appeared before me as a living personification. Even up to the present time I
am not able to say how and why at that time, without the slightest trace of
doubt, I recognized evil spirits to be present in that ugly sight. Undoubtedly
only because such a designation of it was completely outside of the normal
order of things and logic, for if a similar hideous sight appeared before me at
another time, undoubtedly I would have said that it was some kind of fiction
personified, an abnormal caprice of one's imagination. In short, everything
else but in no way, of course, would I have called it a name by which I would
have meant something which cannot be seen. But at the time, this designation of
its nature took place with such rapidity, that seemingly there was no need to
think about it, as if I had seen that which already was well known to me long
ago; and since, as I already have explained, at that time my mental capacities
functioned with such incomprehensible intensity, I therefore comprehended just
as rapidly that the ugly outward appearance of these beings was not their real
exterior; that this was some kind of an abominable show which was probably
conceived with the purpose of frightening me to a greater degree; and for a
moment something similar to pride stirred within me. I then felt ashamed of
myself, for man in general, because in order to arouse fear in man, a being who
thinks so much of himself, other forms of being have recourse to such methods
which we ourselves use with respect to small children.
Having
surrounded us on all sides, with shrieks and rowdy sounds the evil spirits
demanded that I be given over to them, they tried somehow to seize and tear me
away from the Angels, but evidently did not dare to do this. In the midst of
their rowdy howling, unimaginable and just as repugnant to one's hearing as
their sight was for my eyes, I sometimes caught up words and whole phrases.
"He
is ours: he has renounced God," they suddenly cried out almost in unison.
And here they lunged at us with such boldness that for a moment fear froze the
flow of all thought in my mind.
"That
is a lie! That is untrue!" Coming to myself I wanted to shout, but an
obliging memory bound my tongue. In some way unknown to me, I suddenly recalled
such a slight, insignificant occurrence, which in addition was related to so
remote a period of my youth that, it seems, I in no way could have been able to
recall it to mind.
XX
I
recalled how during my years of study, once having gathered at my friend's,
after having spoken about school studies, we passed over to discussing various
abstract and elevated topics — conversations which often were carried on by us.
"Generally
speaking, I don't like abstractions," says one of my comrades, "but
here you already have absolute impossibility. I am able to believe in some kind
of power of nature which, let us say, has not been investigated. That is to
say, I can allow for its existence, even when not seeing its clear cut,
definite manifestations, because it may be very insignificant or combined in
its effects with other powers, and for this reason difficult to grasp; but to
believe in God, as a Being, individual and omnipotent, to believe — when I do
not anywhere see clear manifestations of this Individuality — this already
becomes absurd. I am told: believe. But why must I believe, when I am equally
able to believe that there is no God. Why, is it not true? Is it also not
possible that He does not exist?" Now my comrade turned to me for support.
"Maybe
not," I let escape from my lips.
This
phrase was in the full sense of the word an "idle statement": the
unreasonable talk of my friend could not have aroused within me a doubt in the
existence of God. I did not particularly listen to his talking; and now it
turned out that this idle statement of mine did not disappear without leaving a
trace in the air, I had to justify myself, to defend myself from the accusation
that was directed against me, and in such a manner the New Testament statement
was verified in practice: We really shall have to give an account for all our
idle words, if not by the Will of God, Who sees the secrets of man's heart,
then by the anger of the enemy of salvation.
This accusation
evidently was the strongest argument that the evil spirits had for my
perdition. They seemed to derive new strength in this for the daring of their
attacks on me, and now with furious bellowing they spun about us, preventing us
from going any further.
I
recalled a prayer and began praying, appealing for help to those Holy Ones
whose names I knew and whose names came to mind. But this did not frighten my
enemies. A sad ignorant Christian only in name, I now, it seems, almost for the
first time in my life remembered Her, Who is called the Intercessor for
Christians.
And
evidently my appeal to Her was intense. Evidently my soul was filled with
terror, that hardly had I remembered and pronounced Her name, when about us
there suddenly appeared a kind of white mist which soon began to enfold within
itself the ugly throng of evil spirits. It concealed them from my eyes before
they could withdraw from us. Their bellowing and cackling was still heard for a
long while, but according to how it gradually weakened in intensity and became
more dull, I was able to judge that the terrible pursuit was gradually being
left behind.
Source: https://www.fatheralexander.org/booklets/english/unbelievable_but_true.htm
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