It was Monday.
I was heading to the Department 12 of the National Mental Health Hospital with
my teeth clenched. There was a severe wound in my own soul, and it hurt
unbearably.
When I entered
the nurse’s room, I was asked sympathetically, “What is wrong with your mood
today?” I was surprised to receive so much attention. I tried to comfort myself
and answered, “Thank You! Everything is fine”, as at that moment I was
going to open the door which led to the world, where all my personal problems
would melt like the last year snow…
***
The old ladies,
who had not seen me earlier, stood out of my way, when I was going along the
hallway. Those of them, who knew me and, what is more important, who could
remember me since my previous visits, smiled to me, and some of them even came
to hug me.
I saw an old lady, Rufina, sitting near the window and chewing something toughly. When I
came closer to her and sat nearby, I saw that what she was chewing was a piece
of cloth (people in such a bad condition feel hungry all the time). I took the
cloth to throw it out and brought the woman some food…
In the room 5
there was a new patient, a young woman. She was lying with her eyes closed, but
it was easy to understand that she was not sleeping. “Do not touch her”, - said
someone from the neighboring bed. “They have just brought her there. She is in
serious condition. She has had an accession and began to
scream and tear the sheets. She got an injection then…”
“Good
afternoon”, mannerly said Sofia, an old lady with aristocratic face features. The nurses
even gave her a nickname, which was "Nixie". They called her by that name because
of her long red hair. Well, when she queued her hair it really looked like a
fish tail…
I saw another lady, whose name was Nina. She wandered
all over the department every time I came to visit the patients. But that very day
she was lying quietly in bed covered with a blanket. I came to her and sat on
the edge of the bed. “Nina, what’s wrong with you today? Do you feel sick?” – “Yes,
you know… I feel bad today”. But then a flood of words followed: the woman
began to pronounce disjointed words, which made no sense. She did that quite
emotionally, clapping me on my hand and smiling. Sometimes she stopped speaking
and began to sing the melody I did not know. She always sang
something…
***
The air here is
always state. We cannot aerate the rooms for long because the elderly patients
are like children – they can get sick quite easily. Only some of them have the
right to leave the building and spend some time outside, in the open air. The rest
of them have to walk along the short hall of the department. Sometimes they
look through the window, covered with a white net curtain or try to push the
door-handles in the hope that the door will open, and they will wander across the
building or maybe even find way out…
I remember an
old lady, from whom I could not get an answer. She could not hear me just
because of her dumbness. But she was always happy to see me and hugged me
saying, “It is so wonderful you come to see me!” The nurses asked me sometimes
to feed her, because she refused to eat. She was afraid of being poisoned.
“How could you get there? How could you know my address?.. I’m so glad to see you!” - said Zoe. She had a wonderful voice and could sing beautifully. I always asked her to sing for us before dinner, and after her sinning we all applauded her. She was a bit embarrassed but at the same time she liked it.
***
The most
difficult thing is to see people dying just in front of you. Every time you come there, you can witness another phase
of a person’s fading. However, sometimes it happens quickly: you come next
time and see that there is no person you have come to, and that the bed is empty
already.
It is almost
impossible to communicate with some patients, because their mental condition is
too bad. But the most of them are waiting for a sister of mercy to come, and they remember them.
You know, a
sister of mercy looks conspicuous in the department, because of her white apron
and white kerchief with embroidered cross. The old ladies always say some kind
words about me. They find me nice and even call me with the honorable word “angel”.
At the moleben, when a father anoints them with the blessed oil and besprinkles
with the holy water, they look in my eyes gratefully and thank me. I am
uncomfortable at such moments, so I just smile to them in response.
The elderly
people sometimes ask difficult questions: “You know, I saw my parents dying. My
mother, who was a very kind and faithful person, was dying hard. She was ill
for quite a long time and suffered much, and shortly before her death her lips
become black. But my father, who did not believe in God, died easily, while sitting
at the dining table. Just in one moment. So, now I cannot stop comparing… By the way, do you know Valentina
Tolkunova, a famous Russian singer? She was absolutely sure that God would help her.
She even went to Jerusalem, but it did not help her and she died. Why is it so?”
In such moments
I keep silent. There is a “common” answer for such cases: “For whom the Lord
loveth he chasteneth” (Hebrews, 12:6). However, it is clear that in all the other
stories of such kind the question is the same: “Where is God, Who does
certainly love “His” people? It seems that He does not help us…”
Much later I
got the understanding that a disease is not a shameful stain, but a personal
cross. The Kingdom of Heaven is open for everyone until the man lives. It is
true that God can heal the sick one in one moment. He cured the blind and they
could see. But people keep asking: “Why does God not heal today?” If you are limped,
then you will limp for all your life. And how can you know that this is how God humbles you? Perhaps, you have chosen that cross by yourself, and if you bear
it till the very end, you will manage to humble yourself…
***
The head of the
department asked us once, “You are so young, then why are you doing all this?”
My sister and I just smiled and said that we liked what we did. Such obedience
may seem difficult and unpleasant to other people. However, in our world there
will always be the people who need our support, our help and our kindness. This
is why we believe that new sisters will join our ministry.
Of course it
can be difficult to help other people. Some cannot do this by some reasons, while
the others just do not know how to help. I believe that this is what we can
learn to do. In this case any person will manage to make the world better. A
person who makes something good is like a torch, a small piece of light which
lightens the space around. And there can be much of them, if only people want
and try to do good deeds.
***
One of the fathers has blessed our patients to learn the payer to the Holy Spirit. From day to day we
are losing our hope, and it begins to seem impossible to me and my sister to
fulfill this task. The thing is that the elderly people forget everything too
fast, and that is why write the words of the prayer on paper, but it does not help yet.
Anyway, they are optimistic about this. They are ready to learn the prayer with
our help. And we believe in them and hope in God, for Whom nothing is impossible!
A story by
Sister Olga (Alexandrova)
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