This is the death for our old man. I have to speak about repentance but
what I say is beyond my own measure. This is why I have to trample my own dead
self in order to be able to say something. Is it easy? No, it is not, and this
is always a miracle. Each time when I come to talk with people, I feel I am
about to die; and I am serious because I do not have anything to share, not
even a thought, and sometimes I desperately need to sleep but I have to go and
talk. After so many years, I have developed a habit of overcoming myself: I do
not care what I want, I simply go and do what I am supposed to do.
Now I lay my hopes on fasting, not on medicines but on fasting. I would
like to fast more seriously even from the external point of view but I am not
sure if I am able to do it. I have a habit not to eat anything on some days,
and this makes my task easier.
We should remember God as often as it is possible during the Great Lent.
Personally, I am now in the state of not being capable of anything and not
being able to understand anything. Now I see that nobody listens, that each
person has his own opinion and only a miracle can change that opinion. I am
afraid to say something to the sisters. Each time you say something to another
person, you are in for a counterattack, and these counterattacks may turn out
to be very painful, that is why I spare myself and think, “Let it be, OK,
everything's fine.” They tell me something, and I answer, “Yes, that's fine. Do
you prefer it this way? Okay, let us do it the way you prefer. Do you have any
preferences?” Sometimes people do not want anything. Let us wait to see what
happens. However, I can see that God still acts. This surprises and even
inspires me. God does act even though you have long been defeated and you
understand that you are good for nothing. I have not had such a feeling before
but now I see that I have neither willpower, nor willingness, but I continue to
live on and to speak with you.
I recall the words of Father Nicholas Gurianov, which are very important
for me. These words help me. He said, “People think that I am OK, and I have to
keep to myself what I really feel.” In fact, when you convince yourself that
everything is fine and do not retreat into your own shell, this may be a good
choice. For example, I was in a dead-end for many years: although I spent days
and nights in church, when I came back home I saw that I could not control
myself and there was darkness around me, I thought I was to die together with
all people around me. I felt that darkness for years – and this is wrong. This
is why nowadays I take a completely different attitude to myself and seek for
the proper attitude towards God and my neighbours because God's power is made
manifest in our infirmities. We must not run away and say, “God, I don't need
you anymore.” I need God. Even if it is a consumerist attitude, even if I need
God to lift me up and to put me to my senses. God needs lazy people, God needs
foolish people, God needs even the most thick-headed people. God needs all of
us, and He loves each one of us, which is surprising, and He does not take
offence at us, this is for sure. Therefore, the Forgiveness Sunday is not an
easy day: one has to overcome himself.
Archpriest Andrew Lemeshonok
(From the sisterhood
meetings)
CONVERSATION