If you
consult the internet or poll a few parents, you’ll find a wide variety of ideas
about how to manage children in church. I’m here to tell you that I’ve mixed it
up quite a bit throughout my worshipping career so far. Something to keep in
mind is that as a priest’s wife, I’m solo parenting during liturgy, and my
toddlers are much more likely to run for the altar to find daddy. This dance
might be a little different for your family, and that’s okay. Here are some
phases we’ve gone through together, along with some commentary.
1. Sitting at the back
In a few
parishes we’ve served and participated in there were many reasons I sat towards
the back. Either it was the practice of other parents (and we could all help
each other back there), convenient for the many quick exits I had to make with
two kids in diapers, or the architecture made it advantageous (one parish
didn’t have a narthex into which I could disappear as needed–it simply opened
directly to the outside, which was pretty troublesome in winter with a newborn
and a toddler). When my second child was fresh out of the oven, the back of the
church was a place where I could nurse discretely under a blanket while still
singing along to the service and keeping my toddler in check.
Maybe
you’re in a place where being towards the back is best. However…
2. Sitting at the front
…as my
children have grown older (beginning elementary school), we’ve moved towards
the front of the church. With years of weekly liturgical practice they know
it’s expected that they stand up for longer periods of time. They are capable
for standing more still. And with the beginnings of reading, they can
participate. My eldest has even expressed a desire to stand with the choir. The
front is quite often an easier place for kids to be because they can see all
the icons and all the action–sitting at the back means that they’re looking at
other people’s legs, and that’s quite boring. I definitely noticed a higher
level of engagement when we made the move towards the front, but it took awhile
before we were ready to make that leap, because…
3. Bring books into church
The
biggest challenge with very young children is simply to keep them occupied and
physically in the service. The things that are happening in the service are
simply beyond what young children can understand, but that doesn’t mean that
they don’t benefit from every minute of exposure.
Books can
help. Bringing a favorite book can keep a child still and help them to learn
that liturgy is the normal place for them to sit and be. While they look at the
book, they are hearing the prayers, learning the melodies, all in the
background of their minds. When they look up from the book, they see the
church. It becomes another place of their own. It gives them the opportunity to
observe and ask questions.
But I
don’t let them bring just any book. Because this isn’t just any service–it’s
the service of the Resurrection. This isn’t a place to bring you favorite
fantasy fiction novel, but I’m not going to tell my toddler that “Goodnight
Moon” can’t be a church book from time to time.
I’ve also
cut out the icons from expired paper calendars and laminated them into little
books for preliterate chlidren. They may not understand exactly what an icon
means beyond the simple concept that they’re pictures of people, but it’s a
wonderful way to be able to whisper the lives of the saints into your
youngest’s ears. That way the icon become another normal, routine, effortless
element of their life.,
4. Don’t bring books into church
But then,
there’s the distraction part of bringing books into church. Maybe you fight
over how many books they’re allowed to bring. Perhaps they drop them–loudly and
often. After a time, books became an attention drain I had to manage with my
children, rather than a tool I could use when my goal was to keep the kids in
the services as much as possible. We slowly transitioned from kids’ books to
picking up a book of the liturgy text and so that I could teach them to follow
along and pay even more attention to the service. Again, each child transitions
at a different rate with this; my toddler needs one or two board books in
church, my nearly-literate kindergartener enjoys looking at Bible story books,
and my second grader follows along in the liturgy book.
5. Let the kids draw and doodle in church
When my
children were very young, the sermon was almost the hardest time for them to
sit still and quietly. For one thing, it always seems easier for a kid to
listen to someone other than their parents, and so when their father started
delivering the sermon, it was almost as though they all decided to act out
together in that moment.
It began
with letting them draw. Just pen and paper, a few sheets, and it kept them
quiet. But I discovered they would lose focus on where they were–drawing scenes
of cartoons and goofy things, as kids do. So I told them that if they listened
closely to the gospel and sat still during the sermon, they could make a
drawing about the gospel’s story. One pen, one piece of paper, no fussing. I’d
make them sign and date the drawing so I could connect the gospel reading to
their interpretation, and remark on it more in-depth, or show it to their
father later. It spurred dialogue. Sometimes, the kids would want to copy the
icon of the day, and when we were stuck in the narthex with an outraged baby,
they could really study the icon and make it their own.
This
worked on days when the gospel was a narrative, and the sermon on the shorter
side. Sometimes we had to leave anyway because they were fighting over who had
the better writing utensil. But on the days when it worked, they were listening and engaged and created
some interesting and thought-provoking art.
6. Don’t bring art supplies into church
Again,
like the books, the drawing idea can become a fixation and distraction. Once my
children were prone to extending their drawing time, draw things other than
what was instructed, fighting over pens and other things, I informed them that
they were old enough to listen through the service without the need to draw.
Occasionally I do allow continue to allow gospel drawing, since that remains an
effective way for them to learn listening skills and process the lesson.
7. Talk
to Your Priest
One of
the most important things you can do is talk to your priest and to discuss your
plans for how you’re training your children to engage with the liturgy.
Sometimes the priest can even offer suggestions for where to sit or stand, or
even reassurance that your children really aren’t as loud as you think they
are. In many cases, priests I know have said that the noises they hear from
time to time tell them that their congregation is healthy and growing–a squawk
from a baby is its own wonderful offering of praise when it’s in the middle of
worship.
This is
especially important if your child has unique developmental needs or even just
plain ol’ behavioral struggles. You can work together with your priest to find
a way to minister to your child, no matter where they are. And your priest may
be able to connect you with a seasoned parent or someone in the parish who can
stand with you and help you manage worship and Sunday School. Get your priest
on your parenting team.
8. Be
Prepared for Feedback
The
arrival of a lone young family to a congregation can be conspicuous and
difficult. Sometimes it’s a shock to other worshippers, who are more accustomed
to a quieter service. Or perhaps you’re in a large congregation and they don’t
know your family very well and thus don’t know how to help your dear little
ones on their faith journey. Maybe it’s simply that you’ve been used to doing
things a certain way and find that in this new place, folks seem to expect
things to go a little differently, and having your kids in tow makes it more
obvious. Sometimes, you’re one of many young families, struggling together to
get your kids to the service on time, and not to distract one another, but the
group energy of the kids can get out of control.
I know
many parents who have taken comments from other worshippers and let it keep
them from church. This is unfortunate, but it’s important that others know this
happens, because they must weigh their words heavily with love. Parents of
younger children are especially vulnerable, because they are likely to be early
on in their parenting journey and perhaps a little sleep deprived.
But
parents, it’s super important that you try not to take any comments personally,
and to examine them carefully for good nuggets of wisdom. I struggle in my own
way to acknowledge that I could have done better, while simultaneously feeling
indignant because I gave it my all on a given Sunday morning. It can feel
unjust and intrusive to have someone offer even constructive criticism, when
what they’re criticising are often inherently irrational and unpredictable
beings that you are training to become (somewhat) civilized.
Feedback–positive
or negative–is going to happen. Prepare yourself. Don’t take it personally, but
listen to it patiently and prayerfully. Some useful phrases I have in my back
pocket for dealing with difficult comments are,
“Thank you for reminding me, we’re in the
process of learning.”
“I’m sorry to hear that my children’s
behavior was a distraction to you.”
“Church is full of challenges for children.”
These
phrases can feel sort of weak and general, but I know they’ve helped me
depersonalize and prevent myself from becoming defensive, as well as keeping
more pointed inquiries at bay (very few others really needs to know the details
of exactly what my child was doing or frustrated with).
But
honestly more often than not I’ve had feedback from people who simply love that
they heard a few noises from a baby in church. And sometimes the horrified face
you get when your toddler makes a run at the altar is mirrored by a joyful
smile on the other side of aisle (not that you want that to happen over and
over again). I’ve had feedback from people who are genuinely worried that
things are okay with my kids, and have asked if I need help. When that happens,
it’s enabled me to come to a place where I feel comfortable asking them for
help.
9. Ask
For Help
This is
easier for some than others. Perhaps you’re in a situation where you don’t know
many people from the parish, or your child has special developmental needs that
require a good deal of coaching. It’s especially important that you make your
needs known to others, so that they can help you and worship doesn’t feel like
a battleground (although there are some seasons where it’s likely to feel
nothing but). This is difficult, because perhaps you’re embarassed or you feel
particularly alone in your fight. But what you have to say is important–your
voice may be the thing that gets the community involved in making things
accessible for children and those with developmental or physical challenges.
And don’t forget: other people want to be needed and useful, and you have a
gift for them–an opportunity to be important, needed, helpful, and involved.
Last
Words
Young
children genuinely can’t stand for hours on end. Let them be children. Don’t
make them stand still out of fear of you. Coax that skill like growing a plant.
It will look dormant for a long time, but keep watering it, and a sprout will
appear. Have hope. Listening looks different for every child. Sometimes they look
bored. Sometimes they’re drawing. Sometimes they actually look like they’re
listening. Let them listen their own way, but teach them what behavior tells
others that they’re listening–that’s a different skill. Take breaks and gather
your strength. Keep trying new things. What you found worked yesterday may not
work on this day. Don’t despair. And kids have unbounded curiousity, so ask
them questions to keep that going. If they learn the why, the what will make
sense and it will become embedded in their hearts.
The
purpose is not to have perfectly behaved children in church. As parents, we’re
playing the long game–our purpose is to pour love into their open hearts, and
help the seeds of faith grow slowly over time. With consistency and ingenuity,
we can help them do just that.
Source: http://www.familylifeministry.atlanta.goarch.org/joyful-noise-engaging-young-children-in-church-pt-2/
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