Interview with Hieromonk Eustathius
A young man at the turning point of generations
Father, could you please tell us about your
life?
Hieromonk Eustathius: Okay. I was born in Dokshitsy - a small
town in Vitebsk region, to a family of regular white collar workers. My father
was a history teacher (he died in 1994), and my mother is an accountant. I led
an absolutely ordinary life before I entered a university. I entered Minsk
Teachers University in 1992. It was called Maxim Gorky Minsk State Pedagogical
Institute at that time. Now it is called the Maxim Tank University. I was 17
then: an enthusiastic youngster at the turning point of generations... I
entered quite a good and prestigious school and my majors were history and
English. My father was very glad because I continued the teachers' dynasty he
represented. I was to become the third generation of teachers in our
family. I studied hard at first but then I... got to know hippies in Minsk.
This was the end of the hippie movement. They were hippies of late 1980s and
early 1990s. The movement ceased to exist in the mid-1990s, so to say. Well,
and I witnessed this movement. I was certain to have problems with my studies.
It was a demanding university and I was expected to work hard. So I managed to
stay there for just two years. Then I saw I could not cope with my studies so I
transferred my papers to the University of Culture. There were many guys like
me. Beside that, in 1994, when I entered this university, a new experimental
major course "Literary work (script writing)" was launched there.
Alaxei Dudarev, our famous playwright, was the head of this major course.
However, I did not stay there for long as well. In two years, a drastic change
of my world outlook began. So I started feeling disappointed with hippie
movement and rock music even though our rock band was gaining popularity.
Did you play in a rock band?
Hieromonk Eustathius: Yes, I did... Our band was called
"The Road Buddies".
What was your favourite musical style?
Hieromonk Eustathius: Well, you know there were rock groups in
the 1960s like The Kinks, The Searchers, The Who... Well, and Rolling
Stones or The Doors, of course... Generally, it was R&B of the 1960s.
Well, I cannot avoid this part of my life - and I thought it was the meaning of
my life at that time.
However, it turned out that our manager who was
actively promoting us was deceived and had to pay a lot of money to his
lenders. He had arranged concerts of pop stars and he failed to return a lump
sum of money for one concert, and they would simply murder him. So he had to
disappear. Anticipating your next question, I can tell you that he is fine now.
This was how we finished our career in music. My spiritual crisis grew worse
after that...
What was the reason for your spiritual crisis?
Hieromonk Eustathius: As I have told you already, I was
disappointed with hippie movement and rock music, and the world in general...
How old were you at that time?
Hieromonk Eustathius: I was 19 or 20, something like that. You
see, a year of my life at that time was worth the whole life. Several tragic
lives... Perhaps, many young people experience the same feelings...
What were these lives like? What were you
looking for?
Hieromonk Eustathius: I was looking for something serious and
real... I was searching for the truth, to put it short. And I was always
thinking I had found it at last. I thought I would find the truth in music, for
instance. Then I was bitterly disappointed and sore. I saw that everything I
was involved in had no continuation and led to a sort of a dead-end. It led to
a kind of Sartre's wall (Jean Paul Sartre was one of founders of
philosophical movement of existentialism - editor's note) So you come to
this wall and feel you can simply disappear in it; it will simply devour you,
which in fact happened to many friends and acquaintances of mine. Several of
them died physically.
Did you figure it out for yourself when you were
18 or 20? Or, maybe, you met someone or read some books?
Hieromonk Eustathius: It all went hand in hand, so to say... I
think all these trials were indispensable for me. Now I am grateful to God for
having had all this in my life. It may seem weird and even blunt but
nevertheless, I am sure that all I had to encounter at that time was
providential. I did not want to use this hackneyed word but it perfectly
describes my thoughts.
What did your parents say?
Hieromonk Eustathius: They were hundreds of miles away and they
did not know anything at all. Well, they could guess something sometimes but it
was easier for me to conceal the life I was leading than for my friends from
Minsk.
Therefore, when I skipped my second university,
I went to my grandmother's village where I was mulling over my spiritual
search. I wrote a novel as a result of this contemplation. I had plenty of
time: a year and a half, I took care of the fields, gardens and domestic
animals during the day and wrote at night...
Did you write on paper?
Hieromonk Eustathius: Yes, computers were rare at that time for
guys like me. I wrote it with my pen and then typed on a typewriter. "Back
Water Blues" was the title of my novel referring to a song by the blues
queen of 1920s Bessie Smith. You know, I wish I hadn't burned it together with
all my short stories when I was a beginner in the Church. I burned everything I
had written. Only published stuff remained. Now I think I was a fool because
there were good pieces... I would be interested in skimming through the pages
of that novel now, in any case. This novel reflected the whole epoch... I
remember the last two short stories I wrote when I started attending church. A
spiritual change, a beam of light in a dark tunnel is depicted there. I wish I
didn't burn it all... paradoxically, two volumes of my poetry I am ashamed of
now both morally and professionally still remain in manuscripts I presented to
my friends... Later, I asked those people to give the manuscripts back to me
but they may have understood what I needed the manuscripts for and did not
return them. Alas... (When we were preparing to publish this interview, Father
Eustathius informed us about a miracle. An old friend of Father Eustathius, an
artist, came to Zhirovichi monastery literally the following day after our
interview. He brought one copy of that very novel "Back Water Blues".
It turned out that Father Eustathius gave that typed copy to him as a birthday
present. There were three copies of the novel. Father Eustathius burned two of
them but the remaining third copy remained intact - editor's note).
Finally, I chose not to stay in the village for
the rest of my life and decided to get back to the big world. First, I wanted
to enter School of Philology of St Petersburg University. But then I thought it
would be more appropriate for me to graduate from my native Institute of
Culture. I returned to my studies. It was not too difficult for me because I
was experienced enough, I knew what I was to write and what exams I was to
take. So I took the same majors but with a different teacher Prof. Sobolevsky
(he is a renowned theatre critic). I had to re-enter the university, not to restore
my enrolment because students could take that major only once in several years.
That year was one of such years. My first time in the university with Prof.
Dudarev and Prof. Rakitsky (also a famous theatre critic) was more interesting.
One of my fellow students came to our monastery once. He told me that when
Prof. Rakitsky learned that I had become a monk, he paused for a moment and
then said, "He has been my only student to have achieved something."
Can you imagine that?
What is your profession? Are you a theatre
critic as well?
Hieromonk Eustathius: No, I am not...My
profession is a playwright. My diploma reads: 'Literary work (script writing)'.
Finally, I graduated from my university. I began
attending church during my last years at the university. You know, I grew
disappointed in art as well. Rock gatherings were replaced by theatre and
artistic circles: literary retreats, first nights at theatres, art house
movies... Stronger discontent and total disappointment came as a result of all
that. This was where the
Lord reached for me...
I began attending church services at Ss Peter
and Paul Cathedral. This was where I met Father Andrew Lemeshonok. My life has
changed drastically thanks to him. Archimandrite Sophronios (Sakharov) once
said about St Silouane that "when I met that man he became a stronghold
for me throughout my life." Father Andrew became a stronghold for me, and
I would have fallen without this stronghold long ago.
How I chose monastic life...
Do you remember how it all happened, what words did you hear and how did
you start to change? What was it like?
Hieromonk Eustathius: I attended Ss Peter and Paul Cathedral for
about a year and confessed to several priests. I also visited the meetings of
his Orthodox youth fraternity. I was nurtured by these meetings. I think it was
the Lord who wanted me to choose this easier path to becoming Orthodox.
Apart from that, I always saw crowds of people
gather around Father Andrew, and I was a little taken aback because of that. I
thought those people really needed his advice so I should not interfere because
I had no real problems and I lived with God, which was the most important.
However, I turned up for the confession held by Fr Andrew one day. I was
attracted to his personality and, honestly, I was interested to see what this
priest was like... You know, Fr Andrew told me a couple of simple words after
the confession but they so strongly resonated with my soul that I saw he was
the man I was going to confess to. Another striking revelation was that my life
began to change after I confessed with Fr Andrew for the first time. I thought
it was a miracle... What happened? Well, I just confessed my sins to God in his
presence. Then I confessed again, and again... and I understood that this man
had probably started to pray for me.
A year passed, and I asked for his permission for me to become an acolyte
in the St Elisabeth Convent. It turned out that the Convent needed an acolyte
at that time. So I became the head acolyte in St Elisabeth Convent and was one
for two years beginning in 2001. I practically lived in the Convent during
these two years. The services in the Convent normally started at 4 am so
naturally there were no buses going to Novinki from the city so early in the
morning. I had a bed in a cabin near the walls of the Convent. I went to bed at
midnight and woke up at 3.30 in the morning. Now I recall this period of my
life with tenderness and fear at the same time. That was real asceticism!
It sounds very difficult physically. How did you manage to pull through?
Hieromonk Eustathius: Actually, it was not that dreadful. I had
my classes in the afternoon so I would go to the dormitory and relax for a
couple of hours (although sometimes I could not afford it - a dorm is a dorm,
you know). Sometimes I managed to sleep during the lectures. Then I came back
in the evening and read a long prayer rule, using prayer rope, etc... This was
essential for me, of course. It was at that time that I began to appreciate
monasticism. Basically, I lived in the monastery and inhaled its atmosphere...
The first time I thought about monasticism was even before I became an acolyte
in the Convent. I can remember it very clearly. I walked out of the subway
station after the early Liturgy on Sunday morning.
At the same time, I had a remarkable girlfriend whom I had got to know even
before I started attending church. Then we began to go to church together. I
thought I would graduate from my university, marry that girl, stay close to the
St Elisabeth Convent and would be made a priest one day. Father Andrew did not
mind that. However, later I was being torn apart by my wish to lead the life of
a monastic and my feelings towards that wonderful girlfriend. So I thought,
“What can I do? Lord, it is so hard to live without clearly set goals!"
Now I understand some seminary students who come to me for confession and
complain of the similar feeling. They cannot make their minds. It is really
difficult to remain in such a state. Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh says that
ideally, a man has to grow up, to ripen for marriage or for monastic life.
However, I found it impossible to live in such a state and decided to figure
out what I was to prepare for. Therefore, I had to search for God’s will. I
focused on it and prayed for a long time, then I asked Fr Andrew’s blessing to
read a certain prayer rule, which would help me to find out what the Lord’s
plan for my life was. I was sure that the Lord would reveal it to me because
this was my spiritual father’s blessing. Finally, the Lord really revealed to
me that my path was the monastic path. Since then, I started to prepare myself
for monastic life. All of a sudden, I was grasped by the thought of
Apostle Paul, “they also who have wives, be as if they had none” and “they that
use this world, as if they used it not: for the fashion of this world passeth
away.” I came to a logical conclusion, if they who have wives ought to be as if
they had none, why marry? “For the fashion of this world passeth away.” I know,
our theologians from the seminary would have called me a heretic for thinking
like that but it appeared self-evident to me at that time.
I must admit I had certain doubts even after
that. I am ashamed of recalling how I did not trust God. I even had doubts when
I became a postulant in a monastery. The enemy fought a hard fight on my heart.
I remember standing and praying the Psalter during the night, and my heart
would suddenly anguish, “Hey you, what are you doing here? You are so young,
what monasticism nowadays - there are neither elders, nor true monasteries,
everything is just an illusion. But you could make someone happy...” Make
someone happy to be with me, imagine that?. Sometimes I was carried
away by these thoughts. Sometimes I seemed not to have the guts to fight them.
And I would say to myself, “Whatever the enemy tells me, I know God’s will,
period. Even if his logics is impeccable, I don’t care. Credo quia absurdum est!”
Now I tell my students who cannot find a girl to marry, “Guys, do you know the
best way to find the best bride in the world? Become a novice in a monastery!” “All of a sudden, you’ll run into such a beauty! There is no such girl
in the whole world except the one who visits the monastery where you are a
novice! She will find you, and she will be the girl of your lifetime dreams!
Well, sure, she’ll turn into a witch after the wedding but this will only be
tomorrow and now...”
Was this girl offended by your decision?
Hieromonk Eustathius: No, we remained friends. You know, we were
just friends, and if people keep chastity before marriage, there will never be
passions and tragedies. She is now happily married and has children, everything
is all right.
In fact, I just cannot imagine what I would do
if I had married. For me, this would have been a tragic mistake. I submitted
myself to God’s will, and now I am happy. You know, this is especially evident
in women: when a girl is married happily, she becomes even more beautiful. A
person blossoms in a happy family. Same with monasticism. Monastic life is
tantamount to family life. It is not equivalent to being alone, contrary to
popular belief. Monasticism is the life of a soul in unity with God. If
monastic life is the real vocation of the person, he blossoms and becomes more
beautiful, just as another person would in marriage.
Needless is to say that every monastic has to go
through a million of temptations. Ideally, this should not be visible. This is
your life with God, your secret inner life. It is similar to a family.
Generally speaking, if a person makes the right choice, joy and happiness must
dominate in his life. He must have this joy in the Lord and this feeling of
fullness, even though different periods in one’s life happen sometimes…
I remember the time when I was a novice… This
was truly my honeymoon, you know. I felt I was in paradise for the first couple
of months. But then…
Some people have to tackle lots of
temptations from the very beginning of their monastic lives…
Hieromonk Eustathius: Yes, it does happen sometimes… However, as
a rule, the Lord comforts one from the start. Each person has a different
period of time when he enjoys this grace and comfort. Some more courageous
souls have to endure temptations in the very beginning. Yet we have to
understand that in a monastery each person starts his life, absolutely
everything, from the very beginning. By the way, this is why people who come to
the monastery in advanced age have more difficulties adapting to the monastic
life. They are accustomed to the fact that they already have rich life
experience, education, etc., but all these things are more often an impediment
in a monastery. In spite of all your achievements in the world, you start
everything anew in a monastery. First you are a baby, then you become an
adolescent, etc. One has to spend years or even decades in a monastery in order
to become an adolescent spiritually.
The first thing that struck me as strange when I
started to live in the monastery as a novice was the feeling of the return of
the first grace, like it happens only when you first come to the Church. Now I
can tell you for sure that if a person does not become a novice, he will never
understand anything about monasticism, and the same holds true with regard to
family life.
How did you find yourself in Zhirovichi?
Hieromonk Eustathius: First I entered the seminary and spent two
years there. Then I went on to the monastery. Frankly speaking, I had not
planned to become a monastic in Zhirovichi monastery.
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| Zhirovichi monastery |
Where did you plan to go?
Hieromonk Eustathius: I wanted to go back to St Elisabeth
Convent. I had imagined that the brothers would be tonsured and sent to the
metochion to establish a male monastery. I even talked with Father Andrew about
that. He nodded, “Yes, yes, we plan to do so.” I say, “Father, I am going to
graduate from the seminary and ask for the tonsure, and then I plan to go to
the metochion.” He answered, “Well, we’ll see how it goes…” I dreamt of
becoming a hieromonk at the metochion, or even a hegumen. Well, why not? I even
chose the name for the future monastery – St Silouane Pustyn. Because I had
been a writer (or maybe I continue to be one?), my imagination was far too
vivid…
However, the dean of the Zhirovichi monastery
Father Benjamen (now he is Bishop Benjamen of Borisov, auxiliary bishop of
Minsk diocese) made a serious offer to me. I confessed to him as I usually did,
and he said, “Brother George, would you like to become a monastic in our
monastery?” I did not treat his words seriously. He offered me the same thing
one more time in a couple of months. It was very hard for me to study at the
seminary at that time, I even wanted to quit for fear that I would not possibly
bear all that… The reason of such problems was that I was abandoned by the
first grace, and I was empty inside. I could not do anything about this
emptiness. Plus this army-like seminary system. Today it is more flexible but
at that time it was very rigid, yet the primary reason was my spiritual
loneliness. No one could support me. God seemed to be so far away and unable to
hear me.
Here I was offered a monastery to grow as a monastic. It was not the
marvellous St Silouane Pustyn but here it was. So I was beginning to think
about becoming a monastic in the Zhirovichi monastery. Well, I had to seek my
spiritual father’s advice first. I described all that situation to him in my
diary. Naturally, I had - and I still have – a diary. Now I use it less
frequently, I send it to Fr Andrew twice a year. So I wrote that, so and so,
this is what I was offered. I was surprised when I got an answer from Fr Andrew
very quickly. He wrote to me, “It seems to me that this offer – to become a
monastic in the Zhirovichi monastery – is God’s will.” Father Andrew never
ordered me to do this or that. Being a true spiritual father, he tactfully
suggested that I do this or that… But I knew I should do precisely what he told
me to do. So as soon as I read his words, I went to Father Theodosius, the
spiritual father of Zhirovichi monastery and said, “Your blessing, Father! I
would like to enter Zhirovichi monastery…” I was accepted as a novice the same
year.
The thought that I would stay in the Zhirovichi
monastery temporarily did not leave me for a couple of years but it started to
fade with time. Now I am so closely involved in the life of the Zhirovichi
monastery, and not only the Zhirovichi monastery but also the convent in
Slonim, that I can hardly imagine how I could break all those ties... Yet,
anything is possible in the life of a monk. Now you are here, and tomorrow you
are in a different part of the globe. (laughs)
Can you please tell us about your present creative work? How has your world
outlook changed thanks to the fact that you graduated from such a university?
Do you write anything now?
Hieromonk Eustathius: You see, my coming to the monastery and
essentially my choice of the monastic life is absolutely natural for an artist
because each creative person a priopi strives for the maximum and he cannot
halve his creative efforts. If you choose art seriously, you sink into it, you
have to sacrifice all your time and strength to it. Otherwise, it cannot be
called art, it is a sort of a handicraft, amateur work. A real artist is
devoured by art. When I began attending church I saw that art is a world of
illusions and you should not waste your entire life on it. Those games appeared
to be so ridiculous and miserable in the light of the truth of Christ that I
soon left them behind. However, it was painful because my soul had long been
drawn to art. When it became clear that I would have to stop writing, and it
became clear very soon, I was confused because I did not know how I could live
further. I got used to being observant and looking at things differently every
day. A writer or an artist always watches everything going on around him with
avid interest. I remember always carrying a notebook and jotting down notes all
the time. I filled this notebook with vivid images, words or phrases,
interesting situations... Finally, a short story was born out of it. Like many
authors, I began with poetry, and then started writing short stories.
Yes, when I finally realized I had to quit the
literary work, I was overwhelmed. Later I came to realize that prayer and
spiritual life in general is also an art. More than that, it is the authentic
alternative to the illusion I lived all my life with. I mean, monasticism is
the ideal way for a person to realize his creative potential as a Christian.
Prayer is the highest ideal art given to man by God Himself. Indeed, what could
be higher than getting to know God and talking to Him?
When this understanding dawned on me, I finally found the long-awaited
satisfaction, happiness and fullness of life. The puzzle was solved at last!
Everything I was looking for so long in music, in the hippie movement, in
theatre, in literature, in art in general, everything I could not find because
it slipped through my fingers... It seems that you have achieved something at
last, then oops - and you see this is not something you were dreaming about...
Here you finally understand that this is what you have been looking for. You
feel it, you see it, you touch it... Do you remember what Apostle John the
Theologian says in his first epistle, “That which was from the beginning, which
we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon, and
our hands have handled, of the word of life...” This Life and this Truth
could dwell in me because it is Christ Himself who we partake of when we take
communion. Amazing! Is there anything higher, more beautiful and ideal than
that?! This was the fact that impressed me as an artist. Figuratively speaking,
I gathered all my rubbish into one big pile, sold it and bought a field where
that precious diamond I had been looking for all my life was. One simply has to
leave all his rubbish behind in order to purchase this jewel. The Lord offers
us a marvelous deal, isn’t He? When this revelation dawned on me my soul had a
rest at last. The main purpose now is to preserve what the Lord has given to
me, and to dig deeper, to continue in this path, to hold on to it. This is
important because, you know, like with any kind of art, in the art of spiritual
living there is a temptation to boil the creativity down to routine, to a
certain template, which is called pharisaic in the Church.
What do you mean by that?
Hieromonk Eustathius: Say, I have a certain prayer rule. For
instance, I have to do 500 prayers, a kathisma, a chapter of the Gospel, two
chapters of the Epistle, attend the compline, the liturgy and the vespers...
Whoops, I have done everything! A problem arises? Okay, here we take a book by
St Ignatius Bryanchaninov or St Theophan the Recluse, full of bookmarks. Are
you downcast? No problem! Page 57, book 3 of the concise collection of St
Ignatius Bryanchaninov works, and here we go, “A novice asked his abba: what
should I do if I am depressed and gloomy? - O my child, when you are depressed..."
Here we have ready-to-use recipes for all situations: just read them and you
will be fine. One brother told me, “How can one have problems in his spiritual
life? Just be guided by the works of St Ignatius, and you’ll be fine. There are
all answers to all questions." Yes, there is such a temptation... However,
the Lord often ruins all that technology, He burns down your schemes and plans,
He infects your self-made programme called “Spiritual Life” with his divine
virus.
When your so called spiritual life is covered with a layer of hypocrisy and
becomes a travesty of itself (and you cannot see it!), the Lord suddenly
infects it with this virus, and all of a sudden your imagined spiritual life
freezes. And you find yourself in a vacuum: Lord have mercy! Nothing helps:
neither the St Ignatius Bryanchaninov’s book, nor the 500-prayers rule nor bows
at proper times nor humble eyes and sighs... Nothing at all! Sometimes
confession does not help and communion does not help, and you just cannot see
what went wrong... Why do I find myself in this dead-end? Everything seemed to
be going so smooth. Why, what for? Suddenly, you begin to realize that you do
not know anything about spiritual life - the authentic spiritual life, I mean.
Things you had imagined to be the spiritual life in reality were its
counterfeit version. This is how you humble yourself and start everything from
scratch.
And this is not the kind of work that Sisyphus
had to do because every time you fall you acquire, you begin to realize the
most basic truths, the ABC-like facts (signs), and they form a part of your
character. These are the truths you had read in the patristic texts and had
agreed with them but they were nothing more than logically proven pious
thoughts. Now these truths are organically, naturally endorsed by your soul.
First of all, I mean seeing your sins. What does knowing yourself mean? Knowing
yourself means knowing your sins. Unfortunately, one cannot see beauty in other
people without seeing his own sins first. This is paradoxical but true. You
cannot help seeing sins in other people if you do not see how sinful you are
yourself. There are many other miraculous revelations you will have to face in
your spiritual life.
Father Eustathius, it sometimes happens that one is unable to attend the
compline and to pray...
Hieromonk Eustathius: Yes, such condition can arise sometimes...
Thing is, you have to force yourself into doing something. There is a certain
bottom level you must not hit. Normally, one should seek advice of his
spiritual father with regard to that bottom level. It means that however bad
you feel, whatever your thoughts tell you, you must rise and go. If the compline
or 500-prayer rule or something else is this minimum set by your spiritual
father, you have to do that. If you cannot walk, crawl. Well, if you cannot
crawl, this is a different question... It is only in this case that “The Sabbath
was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath.” You have to force yourself into
doing this because otherwise this lax attitude will become the norm and you
will be unable to do anything with it. This is especially important for the
monastics! We are to be the vanguard, the warriors of God... If we are lazy and
relaxed, the lay brothers and sisters will have an excuse.
This is why you have to go on until you cannot
go on any further even if you are weary and dried up inside because if you sit
down and relax and pity yourself and turn around to see how others live your
monastic life will come to an end! There is hardly a bigger mistake than when a
person looks around and starts to compare himself not with the Holy Fathers but
with Sister N. or Sister M... Such person begins to notice others’ mistakes and
condemn them while at the same time justify himself, and that is the end of any
sign of a true spiritual life. I think that when St Ambrose of Optina said,
“Knowing yourself is enough for you!” he did not intend it to call for indifference
towards the monastery life, towards your monastery but this perpetual
comparison of yourself with someone else. Self-justification and reproach are
the most terrible phenomena in the spiritual life. If a person does not learn
to fight this urge to judge everyone around him, he will not learn anything as
a monastic. He will always return to one and the same point.
CONVERSATION