The Catalog of Good Deeds: Orthodox How To

Showing posts with label Orthodox How To. Show all posts

Happiness is often elusive, especially in our daily work. Life involves many temptations and unexpected troubles. With a solid faith and proper way of life it is possible to find joy in everything you do or are faced with. The following seventeen points will bring God into your life each hour of your day allowing you will become more effective and true to your deepest values. Implement them and you will find they also will lead to a life based on joy.

1. Remember your power to choose.

You make the choices in your life. You can choose to act with God or to ignore His grace. You were created in God's image and have free will. If you feel unhappy remember that you are making this choice and that you can be making a different choice which will bring divine joy. Do not blame anyone but yourself for your dissatisfaction with your life. Instead examine the choices you have made and commit to making new ones.

2. Do not worry about what you cannot control.

Worry will not accomplish anything but anxiety. It can even cause lack of sleep and health problems. Christ tells us to have faith and not to worry. (Matt 6:25) He tells us to remember the birds and how God cares for their needs. He further says, "Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?" (Matt 6:28). Remember that God knows what you need and you can trust in Him to provide what is necessary. Focus on living each moment with Him as your guide.

3. Don't compare yourself to others.

When you compare yourself to others you ignore the reality that God gave each of us unique gifts. We are all different. Paul says, "There are diversity of gifts but one Spirit." (1Cor 12:4) He tells us there are diversities of ministers and activities that each of us is given through the Spirit. (1Cor 12:8) You must find a way to use your unique God given gifts in all aspects of your life, and not assume that you can or should do everything others can do. Be thankful for the gifts you have, understand them, and use them fully. Praise and give thanks for the gifts you see in others. Do not try to be like someone else but develop your unique capabilities and let God's gift of beauty be fulfilled in you.

4. Give thanks to God for everything.

Paul says, "rejoice always...in everything give thanks for it is the will of God in Jesus Christ...Hold fast to what is good." (1 Th 5:16-18) He tells us to make our life a continual prayer. When you are in constant contact with God you will be guided to do His will in all things. Remember all things are sent by Him. You may not understand why he allows some of the difficulties that we face, but you will be rewarded if you always give thanks for all He allows to happen to you, both what you see as good and bad. With patience and endurance, out of our difficulties will come something good. Remember the story of the Paralytic who waited for thirty-eight years to be healed by Christ (John 5:1-15). Paul reminds us to give thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. (Eph 5:20)

5. Don't judge others

Remember this: as you judge others so will you be judged (Matt 7:1). When you judge others you are only putting added pressure on yourself. You must develop humility and remember what you do not like in others is what you have in yourself. You are called to love your fellow workers and neighbors, and if he or she is doing something you do not think is right you must discern with compassion how to correct the undesirable behavior, not by judging the person, but by seeking ways to help them out of your love. Judging separates us from others, destroys love, and leads to unhappiness.

6. Forgive others and don't carry resentment

In the Lord's Prayer we ask God to forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us (Matt 6:12). God will forgive you only if you are able to forgive others. When you carry resentment in your heart for past misdeeds you will find yourself angry, anxious and separated from God. You will continue to carry negative thoughts and never be able to be happy. When you forgive you are relieved of a great burden and God will give you grace to help you erase any resentment you may have. Remember that one of the basic commandments is to love others as we love ourselves and as God loves you. Try to see that we all are imperfect and struggling with the challenges of life and we need the help of others.

7. Plan for the difficulties you may face during the day

Each morning in your daily morning prayer, take a few minutes to think about what potential issues you might face, those situations where it may be difficult to live your values as taught by Jesus Christ. Doing this in a prayerful way will guide and prepare you to deal with them. Prepare yourself each day for the struggles of the day. More on daily prayer life.

8. Remember the Jesus Prayer

If you remember God throughout the day it will help you in all things. One of the greatest gifts you have is prayer. The Jesus Prayer, "Lord Jesus Christ Son of God have mercy on me a sinner," is one that can be etched into your brain with constant repetition so that it will be on the tip of your tongue always, no matter what you are doing. Learn this practice and your life will be transformed. More on Jesus Prayer

9. Help others

You can always find ways to help others. Try to find ways to help those who seem to give you the most difficulty during the day. Kindness only leads to more kindness. When you make an effort to help someone it softens your heart and brings more grace on you.

10. Simplify

Often we try to do too much and our life becomes unbalanced. We find we do not have the proper time for family or our Church family. We become consumed by our work and other duties, and become lax in our spiritual life. Then stress accumulates. At times you need to look at what is really important for you to be able to follow Christ. Then use your free will to make new choices and implement changes in your life, seeking a way of life that allows us to keep Christ in the center of all you do. Get rid of those things that are not important. Use your free will to implement changes. Following God's will involves your cooperation through your choices.

11. Use your talents wisely

Since we all have differing gifts that have been given to us by God you need to make sure you are using those given to you to the fullest. Examine your gifts and then look at your work-day tasks. How can you better use what you are naturally good at. You may at times have to look for a different job if you are so constrained by your current situation that you cannot use your natural gifts. But in almost every situation there is room for you to exercise to the fullest what God has given you. Transform the way you do your work.

13. Let His grace shine through you - be a light

Remember that Christ is always with you. As you generate thoughts of loving kindness the goodness of Christ will flow from you and you will become a positive force for the benefit of others. You need to let His light shine through your actions and your attitude. Become a beacon of goodness and love.

14. Choose you friends carefully

Often we make the mistake by not being careful who we choose to be our friends and who we spend our time with. If anyone is having a negative impact on you, stop and evaluate this relationship. Negative people or people with different values can easily lead you astray. Be prepared to change who you spend your time with.

15. Eliminate negative thinking

Negative thinking only leads to bitterness, sadness, and even wicked thoughts. You need to learn to recognize all such thoughts and totally reject them. Seek to find the sources of negative thinking that are influencing you. It may be commentators on TV, what you read, Facebook friends, or your personal friends. Find all sources and eliminate them from you life. Your creative mind will be opened by positive thought and you will be able to better apply your gifts to your work. Your positive thoughts will help others become more positive. Negative thoughts will always lead you away from happiness.

16. Review your life's actions each evening.

Each evening, during your evening prayers, take a moment to review how well you did during the day with the difficult situations you faced. Did it go as planned or do you need to make corrections. If you were led to sinfulness then immediately ask God for forgiveness and determine how you can do things differently next time. Remember God always understands the difficulty you face and is always forgiving when you seek His forgiveness with sincerity.

17. Remember your mortality and the eternal life to come.

Hope is important as you face all the trials and tribulations that you will face in your lifetime. If you always think about the certainty of your own mortality, not in a morbid way, but in one based on the hope you have of eternal life given to all through Christ's victory over death in His Crucifixion and Resurrection, you will always have hope. Remember our aim is to become united with God in eternal life in His kingdom. All your difficulties are but the path of preparation for the life to come.

Source: http://orthodoxwayoflife.blogspot.com.by/2015/05/17-points-to-create-true-happiness-with.html

Back in the day, there were no canned foods, chemically cloned flavors, hermetically sealed wrappers, governmentally required labelling, the FDA, Food Police and trace ingredients that bind, harden, smooth and flavor our food. If you got a fish or a loaf of bread or something made of corn, it pretty much was a fish, bread or made of corn. Technology has made fasting a science and the playground of Phariseeism and obsessive compulsive attention to details.

Editor’s note: A typical American diet includes foods that are processed. Their ingredients are changed or are not real. Our fasting rules belong to a time before food processing and offer no guidance whatsoever in a food environment like what we have today. The following humorous article Rules of Fasting: How to Read Labels reflects what a lot of us do today when trying to figure out if a specific food meets the rules or not. We read the labels. But even if there is a little trace of milk or egg from processing on the label, you really can’t consider that food non-fasting just because of the invisible ingredients.

OK. So, one of the issues that modern culinary technology presents us with is “reading labels” for Lent. Back in the day, there were no canned foods, chemically cloned flavors, hermetically sealed wrappers, governmentally required labelling, the FDA, Food Police and trace ingredients that bind, harden, smooth and flavor our food. If you got a fish or a loaf of bread or something made of corn, it pretty much was a fish, bread or made of corn. Technology has made fasting a science and the playground of Phariseeism and obsessive compulsive attention to details. Take my beloved Pop Tarts, f’rinstance. Over FIFTY ingredients in a crust and some jammy stuff between them. Check it out:

ENRICHED FLOUR (WHEAT FLOUR, NIACINAMIDE, REDUCED IRON, THIAMIN MONONITRATE [VITAMIN B1], RIBOFLAVIN [VITAMIN B2], FOLIC ACID), SUGAR, DEXTROSE,VEGETABLE OIL (SOYBEAN, PALM, COTTONSEED AND/OR HYDROGENATED COTTONSEED OIL† WITH TBHQ AND CITRIC ACID FOR FRESHNESS), CORN SYRUP, WHEY, CRACKER MEAL,HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, COCOA, CONTAINS TWO PERCENT OR LESS OF CORNSTARCH, COCOA PROCESSED WITH ALKALI, SALT, LEAVENING (BAKING SODA, SODIUM ACID PYROPHOSPHATE, MONOCALCIUM PHOSPHATE), MODIFIED CORN STARCH, MONO- AND DIGLYCERIDES, SODIUM STEAROYL LACTYLATE, GELATIN, DRIED EGG WHITES, DATEM,PARTIALLY HYDROGENATED SOYBEAN OIL†, MODIFIED WHEAT STARCH, XANTHAN GUM, NATURAL VANILLA FLAVOR, CARAMEL COLOR, SOY LECITHIN, CALCIUM PHOSPHATE, COLOR ADDED, NIACINAMIDE, REDUCED IRON, VITAMIN A PALMITATE, PYRIDOXINE HYDROCHLORIDE (VITAMIN B6), RIBOFLAVIN (VITAMIN B2), THIAMIN HYDROCHLORIDE (VITAMIN B1), FOLIC ACID.

If I’m keeping the fast “strictly”… OOPS!!! look at ingredient numbers 31 through 33… Lactylate, gelatin and dried egg whites! DANG… not fast worthy. So WWSJTFD? (What would St. John the Faster Do?) Well dear blog readers, I am here to help you with a primer on the historical/dogmatic/liturgical method of fasting. (Please consult with your spiritual Father before applying any of these rules to your Lenten discipline.)

So, here is a survey of the fasting rules that have applied at various times in Orthodox history.

You can eat something if a NON-fasting ingredient shows up on the list after this:

1. The Shema Rule: (“Our God is One” from Deuteronomy, for the biblically illiterate): You can eat anything that has non fasting ingredients after the first ingredient listed. Since Orthodoxy is a fulfillment of Judaism, and God is “one nature”, this is a REALLY handy rule. (Pop Tarts would be fastworthy by this rule, so you get the idea. Hmmm… it just occurred to me, so would a bacon double cheeseburger without the hamburger patties, which is much better than a BLT without the bacon.)

2. The Nicene Constantinapolitan Rule: (Also known as The Incarnational (God with meat) Two Natures Rule): You can eat it if the non-fastworthy ingredient shows up after TWO ingredients.

3. The Trinitarian Rule: After 3 ingredients.

4. The Angelic Ranks Rule 9 (because we aspire to the angelic life): After 9 ingredients.

5. The “Lord Have Mercy Rule” of Matins/Hours: After 12 ingredients. (Pop Tarts are still “IN”).

6. The “Lord Have Mercy Rule” of Russian or Monastic Vigil: After 40 ingredients. (Pop Tarts are OUT).

7. The “Lord Have Mercy Rule” of Russian/Monastic Litia/Vigil: After 300 ingredients. (You may eat only organically grown potatoes for Lent, but only if the fertilizer is certified to be free of non-fasting trace ingredients… which is why the Russians allow Vodka during Lent… YEAH!!!).

I hope this helps. Blessed Lent to all.

By Steven Robinson

Source: http://www.pravmir.com/rules-of-fasting-how-to-read-labels/

Too much to learn? Too little time?

Why read Scripture? Certainly important reasons are as numerous as readers; however, the simplest answer comes from Christ, Himself. Almost all of His words come from ancient Jewish scriptures. To look more like Him, we have to do as He did. Understood in this way, embracing Scripture makes us more Christlike.

Still, isn’t it true that the Bible has been hyped, interpreted, reinterpreted, and misused many times so much so that it seems to cause more confusion than it solves? Is there something a little dangerous about it?

This is also true. So Reading God’s word should be intimidating for us, or more accurately, utterly awesome. In fact, the Church continuously participates in a profound discipline of study, reflection, wonder, patience, and humility before the words of God in Scripture. However, the modern critical intellect is slippery and trained to question this received reverence. We can’t casually sidestep significant issues: Is the Bible fallible or infallible? Is it history or myth? poetry or an instruction manual? Did God write it or not? Wouldn’t I have to be a fanatic or a saint or a Greek professor to read it? Why does the Bible have such unpredictable effects?

The Church’s answers fill libraries, largely because the concerns are not new. Debates have raged around them for two thousand years. Unfortunately, the vastness of this discussion only worsens our modern dilemma. How can busy Orthodox Christians really hope to figure it all out? Where do we begin?

In this context, The Bible and the Holy Fathers for Orthodox, edited and compiled by Johanna Manley, comes to the rescue. Inside one convenient cover, the text offers readers a solution that has been used throughout Orthodox history.

Unlike a Bible, this volume presents Scripture passages in an order appointed by the Church for prayer and meditation each day for a year. In this sense, it is a lectionary. Over time, two sorts of lectionaries developed in the Greek Orthodox church. The Bible and the Holy Fathers for Orthodox Christians principally follows the Synaxarion and therefore is based on the liturgical cycle in which the Church continually represents Christ’s life from Pascha through Holy Week. Three appendices add elements of the Menologion, which contains readings for various saints’ and Church festivals on the Byzantine civil calendar, beginning September 1.

In turn, the commentaries on each text are simply this: windows into the minds of saints. No higher recommendation can be attempted. Though individually brief as a collection the passages reveal an ever-flowing tide of Orthodox theological thought, consistent in terms of rationality, faith, and love, but highly diverse in terms of pulse and tone.

Consider, for example, these poignant words from Saint John of Damascus, reflecting on the paradoxes of existence: “God made man…a sort of miniature world within the larger one, another adoring angel…earthly and heavenly, passing and immortal, visible and spiritual, halfway between greatness and lowliness…” (Saturday in the Third week of Great Lent).

In contrast, the same paradox moves Saint John Climacus to brittle irony: “He who has lost sensibility is …a self-contradictory windbag, a blind man who teaches others to see…He praises prayer but runs from it like the plague. He blesses obedience, but he is the first to disobey. He praises detachment, but is not ashamed to be spiteful and to fight for a rag.. .All the time he is his own accuser, and he does not want to come to his senses I will not say cannot” (Thursday of the same week).

In general, however, the straightforward, clear explanations of Saint John Chrysostom dominate, providing overall continuity and thoroughness to this introduction to patristic thought. Nevertheless, the book’s Index of Holy Fathers and Authors notes more than sixty commentators representing Orthodox thought from Saint Justin the Martyr (+165 AD) through our own time.

What the commentaries lack in completeness by being excerpted, they more than make up for in ease of use and access. Beyond that, references and study helps provide a solid starting point for further inquiry. Serious Orthodox who have time and leisure will prefer to read these selections and others not represented from original, unabridged sources, but for the majority The Bible and the Holy Fathers for Orthodox provides a much-needed resource for daily study of Scripture within the Orthodox tradition.

As a caution, The Bible and the Holy Fathers is not a substitute for a Bible. Bible study within the Church is vitally important for understanding the theology, history, personalities, and complexities of Scripture as a whole. This text is, however, an outstanding devotional aid and highly recommended for any Christian, especially read prayerfully in conjunction with Church worship, sacraments, and hymnody.

The Bible and the Holy Fathers for Orthodox: Daily Scripture Readings and Commentary for Orthodox Christians. Compiled and edited by Johann Manley. Menlo Park, California: Monastery Books, 1990.

From the American Orthodox Journal "Praxis", v. 2

Source: http://pemptousia.com/2017/07/reading-holy-texts-a-solution-for-busy-orthodox/

During Lent we make more prostrations. That’s a process that begins by making the sign of the Cross, then bowing down, resting your knees on the floor and then touching your forehead to the floor. I’ve collected, below, some photos of people making prostrations from around the internet.

It’s a prayer posture that we often see in the Old Testament, when we read that people “fell on their faces.” (I don’t know if prostrations are ever used in Judaism any more.) Here’s a detail of the Black Obelisk of Shalmaneser, (827 BC, now in the British Museum), which depicts the Jewish King Jehu (2 Kings 9-10) making a prostration before the conqueror Shalmaneser III of Assyria.

What prostrating most looks like to Western people is Muslim worship; Muslims carried it over from their earlier history as Orthodox Christians, just as Christians continued the practice from their Jewish roots. When Orthodox make prostrations, we don’t do them as neatly as Muslims do, all in a row, and men and women worship together.

(A point of confusion can be that the term “prostrate” or “prostration” in English literaly means lying flat on the floor. In Western liturgical practice, if a prostration is called for, that’s what is meant. In the East the term got applied instead to this act of “falling on your faces.”)

People might do prostrations all together during a service, or privately, apart from liturgical worship. If you visited a holy site, you might feel like expressing your awe and gratitude with a prostration. Some people make prostrations when they say the Jesus Prayer, during their private prayer time. When you ask someone to forgive you, it is beautiful (though not required) to accompany the request with a prostration. It represents your recognizing the presence of Christ in the person you have offended.

There is a prayer we say frequently in Lent, and accompany with prostrations. It is the Prayer of St. Ephraim the Syrian (AD 306-373):

We make a prostration at the end of each line, so three in all. It’s not a uniform process, and some do it more quickly, others more slowly. Some can’t make a prostration very well (or maybe they can get down easily enough, but have trouble getting back up!), and instead make a “metania,” making the sign of the Cross and then bowing and reaching to the floor with the right hand. It’s not like everyone is *required* to make a prostration; it’s meant instead to help you express your sorrow for sin with your whole body, not just your words, and your gratitude for forgiveness.

How-to: Begin by making the sign of the Cross. Begin bending forward, and begin to lower the palms of your hands to rest on the floor. It’s more efficient to focus on what you do with your hands that what you do with your knees, because if you focus on knees, it tends to become an awkward 2-stage camel-like process. But if you instead follow the sign of the cross with a gentle controlled-fall forward, aiming to rest your palms to the floor, and allowing your knees to fall into place—then you can push off lightly from your palms and return to a standing position.

It’s a way the Judeo-Christian tradition has expressed awe, documented back to 827 BC (and remember all those who “fell on their faces” from Genesis to Revelation). Why not give it a try?

By Frederica Mathewes-Green

Source: http://frederica.com/writings/about-prostrations.html

Children are curious, receptive and eager to learn, and parents and teachers can help direct this energy toward the Good News. Reading spiritual literature together—at bedtime, on rainy days, and in the classroom — is a wonderful way to harness natural interest and help a child grow closer to God. Story time, like any other time, is an opportunity to show children how to stay Christ-centered.

Selecting Reading Material

- Ask experienced teachers and bookstores to recommend age-appropriate, spiritually rich books to add to your shelves, such as lives of saints written for children, collections of children’s Bible stories, and picture books with a Christian message.

- Look for colorful illustrations or Byzantine icons, which will help keep children’s attention.

- Cultivate a love for God by choosing books that express theological concepts in ways and words that your child can understand, thereby planting seeds in the child’s mind and soul that can be cultivated over a lifetime.

- Choose stories that reinforce one of the constant themes of early childhood spiritual education: God’s love for both humanity and individual human beings.

- Another recurring focus is that God loves us so much He gave us our Savior and Lord Jesus Christ; from an early age, you can expose children to the idea of having a relationship with Christ.

During Story Time

Create active learning opportunities and extensions to an exercise that might seem passive. There are many ways to actively engage young children even as you read to them:

- Set a standard for daily and weekly reading patterns. Consistency and repetition will make spiritual literature important in the child’s life.

- Young children are eager to make decisions, and could be offered a choice, such as, “Would you like to read the May page about St. Constantine and St. Helen, or would you like to read the April page about St. George?” Small children might simply point to the page of their choice.

- Allow the child to hold the book or to turn the pages while you are reading. Keep the Story Alive Set aside some quality time after story time. Extending the children’s engagement with the story is a powerful way to support learning and remembering, especially at a young age, when imagination and invention are developing.

- Follow every story with a short complementary prayer—in this way, you can reflect on and reinforce the theme. Combining prayer and reading evokes the grace of God and the work of the Holy Spirit.

- Ask concrete but open-ended questions about the story, allowing children to answer freely, retelling and reinterpreting the story in their own words.

- Stimulate curiosity and creativity; for example, ask a child to act out a simple sentence from the story. The adult might say, “Do you think you can show me the look on St. Helen’s face when she discovered the Cross?” Adding a physical act like this will help the child remember the message. Acting is practical in Sunday school classrooms—no materials or mess—and is quite fun at home, too.

By Maria C. Khoury, EdD

Source: https://s3.amazonaws.com/praxis-magazine/Praxis-v08-1-2008-Fall.pdf

Divorces are a real disaster of our times. Statistics indicate that every second marriage ends in divorce, while ten years ago only every third marriage failed. And even couples who married in the Church now divorce more often. Broken lives, the loss of any hope of building personal happiness, unhappy children who are very likely to imitate the behavior pattern of adults, the inevitable diminishing of the role of family and family values in the society—these are the most evident consequences of divorces.

Archpriest Pavel Gumerov, rector of the Church of Sts. Peter and Fevronia of Murom in Moscow; Nadezhda Grigoryevna Khramova, Candidate of Psychological Sciences, Associate Professor of Social Anthropology and Psychology Subdepartment of Ural State Technical University; and Farida Nutfullovna Savelyeva, Candidate of Technical Sciences, a school teacher and President of the “Parents, Educators and Scholars for Traditional Russian School with High Moral Standards” public organization explain the main causes of the breakup of marriages and give recipes for keeping families together.

* * *

Farida Savelyeva: Today we can speak of divorces as of an epidemic which is raging not only in our country, but all over the world as well. We would like to begin this talk with an examination of the causes of this phenomenon, leaving the lion’s share of our time for the discussion of matters related to prevention of divorces.

Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: The institution of marriage is strong where the religious and national traditions are observed or where the state ideology is strong. For example, in Europe, which is losing faith and where some Church festivals are being abolished, the family is dying. Meanwhile, young people in Muslim countries marry and have children. In the Soviet era the Church was persecuted, yet the state sovereign ideology which, among other things, protected family values, was strong.

In modern Russia the Caucasus region along with the Khanty-Mansi Autonomous Area have the highest birth rates. Well, it goes without saying that the Caucasus has strong family traditions, but as for the northern regions, it is an achievement of the local authorities. TV content is closely controlled and regulated there. There are many pro-family social commercials on TV, numerous shows and reels promoting family, marriage and having many children. Many schools have a special subject about family life. I visited one of such schools when I gave lectures in the town of Nyagan.

Families are provided with other kinds of help as well. Of course, the standards of living and the percentage of young people in this autonomous area’s population are higher than in other regions. But that is not the main point.

A question arises: What prevents us from promoting family values and pursuing pro-family policies like this in other regions of Russia? The answer is that we are still unable to formulate our national idea. But here it is: the revival of faith, morals and family. Only these things can save our country.”

Nadezhda Khramova: According to our Constitution, no ideology may be instituted as a state-sponsored or mandatory ideology. But in fact it allows some groups to promote vice and unbridled passions in society. As a result, family and marriage in people’s consciousness are becoming less and less important: If pleasure is the only purpose of marriage, then change of partners is inevitable. Today we have a whole generation of young people who (due to the specifics of their upbringing) perceive marriage and family life as lawful “possession” of each other, which causes much mutual resentment.

Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: And we have come close to the key reason for this state of things: nowadays, the ideology of consumerism is dominant in a world that is designed for lowering the average family size. The more lonely, isolated members of the society you have, the more they consume and use computers, phones, cars, flats and so on. These societies are oriented towards “disposable goods” and this approach applies to all, including human relations. “If I am not satisfied with my spouse, then it is not a problem—I will find a new one for myself, I will change him/her just as I change cars, fridges and other things!”

The reappraisal of values is obvious: they have been replaced with surrogates. Thus people devalue the things that until recently were the purpose of their lives and made them happy: closely-knit family, children, fidelity, love, friendship, an interesting job that not only helps you earn money but also benefits others and brings you joy. There is an acute deficiency of love in our country: we are selfish, individualistic, and in family life we lack patience, humility, compassion, and are incapable of carrying each other’s burdens (see Gal. 6:2).

Today when some say that people divorce because of infidelity, drunkenness, incompatibility of temperament and other similar reasons, they are in fact speaking about the effects of the mentioned causes, not the causes themselves. In our days when people get married they are unaware of the purpose of marriage; they don’t have a good idea of what family is like, how relationships should be built, how to raise children, and so forth.

Nadezhda Khramova: However, Father, very often people divorce because of trifles: mutual resentment, lack of agreement, rude words, stinging remarks, lack of thoughtfulness. Negligence, indelicacy, lack of respect in relations, when spouses are unable to value each other and to see what they mean to each other—these factors are destructive for marriage. Depreciation of a spouse’s achievements by another spouse can be very disparaging; mocking remarks and over-familiarity sooner or later may first lead to coldness and reserve in relations, and then to a breakup. For some reason, we often choose to show respect to others, especially to our bosses, but not to our closest relatives.

Young people often don’t understand that conflicts and difficulties in family life are inevitable—they arise a priori because of imperfections in each of us. More than that, young spouses are often not ready to become parents; there are more and more families where women are unwilling to have children. Moreover, infertility and babies’ birth defects are the trials that not every family can withstand.

Despite the apparent subjectivity and artificiality of the causes of divorces, in many cases they are not unfounded: unfortunately, quite frequently one of the spouses is enslaved by such vices as drug addiction or hard drinking and he is unwilling to reform, while the other spouse and all other family members humor him in every way. In my opinion, in this case marriage is not saving for the other spouse and children. Anguish of mind, resentment, insults, or beatings may lead to a deadlock, and then dissolution of marriage or moving into separate homes may help the marriage “sober up” and survive!

Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: If an alcoholic husband threatens his wife and children with an ax, then divorce is most probably unavoidable: Their lives are under threat. But if someone seeks an excuse for divorce, then every other man can potentially be accused of “alcoholism”! Wives should pray for their husbands, help them struggle with their passions and figure out the causes of drunkenness.”

Nadezhda Khramova: For every person divorce is always a tragedy in all senses of this word. If someone divorces at a young age, it means losing trust in the other partner, in the very possibility of love between people, confidence in them. It may leave a nasty aftertaste of anxiety, suspiciousness and even annoyance forever. As a rule, the second marriage of such people will be marked by distrust, resentment, and reproaches as it will bear elements of a fear of marriage and lack of faith in the next husband or wife.

If mature or middle-aged people divorce, it is actually a worse tragedy, especially for women, but for men, too (albeit they are less sensitive to psychophysical stresses)—they often lose their creative power and their lives become more “schematized”.

Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: One psychotherapist who worked at a crisis center in St. Petersburg (it provided rehabilitation to survivors of road incidents, crashes and other catastrophes) related that most of its patients were divorced women—divorce always leaves a trace. It is a great stress, a tragedy.

Divorce is a very individual situation. One must think through it thoroughly, consult a priest and specialists. Hasty decisions should be avoided. The Lord tells us: That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery (Mt. 5:32). Adultery and betrayal are terrible things, but, as a rule, people unconsciously create concomitant circumstances themselves. I was convinced of it in practice—as you begin to unroll the concatenation of events and relations with a divorced person, it emerges that the spouse who was abandoned had made many errors as well. By the way, it is impossible to make one’s husband or wife come back without seeing and realizing your own mistakes in marriage! Even divorce does not always mean the end of a relationship. Sometimes after divorce people reappraise, understand, forgive and accept each other for who they are, eventually reconcile and reunite and live better than before separation.

Nadezhda Khramova: Modern women have forgotten how to comfort their husbands, while men have forgotten how to support their wives. All of this prevents relationships from developing into one family unit! Spouses must always remember mutual respect; nobody is closer to a husband than his wife and nobody is closer to a wife than her husband—they are the closest people to each other, they can support each other like nobody else and, at the same time, hurt each other like nobody else! And the greatest task here is to teach them to live together!

Farida Savelyeva: Are there any universal rules of building relations between spouses that can guarantee a lasting and happy marriage?

Nadezhda Khramova: First of all, it is the tradition of daily meeting of spouses and seeing a spouse to the door, which has been known since time immemorial. A spouse who was going away was not left without attention—the other spouse kissed him/her, they made arrangements, discussed the point of the spouse’s destination and time of return. Thus they “calculated” the distance at physical and spiritual levels which was to be covered by prayer. Bidding one’s spouse farewell just before leaving home also means “forgive me” [in Russian the words meaning “farewell” and “forgiveness” are very similar: “proshchaniye” and “proshcheniye”]—thus we admit our imperfection and ask forgiveness for all our shortcomings; but the main point is a demonstration of our unity. If a wife asks where and for how long time her husband is going, it does not mean that she controls him—it means that she wants always to be with him in her mind!

Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: It would be good if couples would introduce this rule into their relations—it is a very uniting factor. For example, before I go out of the house my wife gathers our children and says: “We say good-bye to our father, we take his blessing!” When I come home everybody meets and greets me again—this custom is to my wife’s credit.

Nadezhda Khramova: Another tradition that should be revived in families is the common meal, which should be done at least in the evenings! It contributes to the unity of spouses and families as well.

Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: By the way, in the sixteenth century the Archpriest Silvester, an outstanding and well-educated author, wrote in his famous Domostroy [Russian book setting out rules of house management and family life]: “A husband and a wife shall not eat their breakfast separately, unless one of them is ill; and they shall eat and drink only at the appointed time.” The meal was a time when families gathered and could talk and discuss day-to-day affairs. Another extract from that book reads: “In all affairs of everyday life a master shall take counsel with his wife.

Nadezhda Khramova: Another important moment is a joint discussion of parental issues. Of course, it is wise to find the appropriate time for this—one shouldn’t “pour out” the problems of the day on the weary husband “at the doorstep!

Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: It is important to remember that spouses should discuss their family problems when they have very good, amicable relations, when they are well disposed towards each other—otherwise the words will be misinterpreted. And what usually happens nowadays? Spouses keep silent, endure to the last, and begin to discuss serious issues only when they cannot stand it any longer. Of course, nothing good comes of it. They use raised voices, take everything as a personal insult and it results in a quarrel.

If we want our partners to interpret our words rightly and don’t want to hurt them, then we should remember such a thing as “reflexive message”. So, instead of saying, “You must help the child with homework because I am struggling to cope with three kids!” or, “You must tidy up the room and cook dinner!” we should say, “I would appreciate if you could…” or, “Could I ask you to…” or, “I’d like you to…” or, “I am concerned that…” and so on. We should express our wishes without annoyance, categoricalness, without offending or hurting anybody. Believe me, that is much more efficient than repeating a demand with commanding voice and irritation a dozen times. It is important that your other half feel your benevolence—it is wrong to impose daily household chores on your spouse. And, beyond all doubt, one shouldn’t forget to thank one’s other half for any simple and routine work—after all, family happiness and joy consist of these nice, pleasant moments and words.

Nadezhda Khramova: It is important to settle minor disputes in time, to discuss them, not to “accumulate” and postpone them “for later”. It is also vital to understand that men and women see problems absolutely differently. Surely, experience comes with years, but nothing can be achieved without efforts and one should work hard to attain success.

Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: When we were in love, we were ready to do everything for our sweethearts, said pleasant words to each other, gave presents, devoted much attention and time to each other. What prevents us from doing the same today in our family life?! Did we expect stinging remarks, vitriol, or reproaches from our loved ones before marriage? No, we expected joy, which we felt in the period of our infatuation, and to the highest degree. There is a song by the well-known artist Bulat Okudzhava: “Let us pay each other compliments—after all, these are love’s great and happy moments!

It is important to remember that we enter into a marriage in order to serve each other, to make our spouse happy and find joy in family life. Our main task is to learn to be happy not because somebody did something for us but because we did something for another person! When we learn to do it, then our joy will be boundless and we won’t need anything else—neither gifts nor praises! And in fact it is the fulfilment of the Lord’s commandment: By serving your neighbor you serve God. Why did God create Eve for Adam? After all, Adam lived in the Garden of Eden, the Lord provided for him, fed him, communicated with him directly. Why is it not good for man to be alone? Why does he need a wife? Maybe it would have been enough for Adam just to communicate with God? No, the Creator gave Adam a wife because if a person lives on his own he becomes very selfish, ‘a consumer’, and lives only for himself. When somebody else is near us, we serve God through serving him/her, because all that the Almighty wants from us is our broken and contrite hearts! God wants us to express our love for Him through our love for our neighbors—and these people are our husband or wife, children, parents… And the main thing is to preserve our ability to give joy amid the difficulties, when we are building our family life, our hearth, after a period of courtship. It is advisable to start every morning with the prayer: “Lord, help me give more joy to this person and not upset him/her!” It makes your life and the lives of your nearest and dearest meaningful and happy!

Very many couples don’t have a full family life, filled with joy. Instead, they live inertly, “go with the flow,” or wait for something all the time. I remember that in one modern movie the main character, a policeman, admits with sadness, “My wife and I did not live but, rather, permanently waited for something. First we waited until we earned enough money for buying a flat and a car; then we waited for our first baby—and we did not have children for five years; after that we waited for our daughter to grow up. But maybe we should have lived, not waited all this time?” Yes, and they should have taken joy in every single day of family life.

Nadezhda Khramova: This is exactly the main prerequisite for a union of a man and a woman in one flesh and one soul. But in some cases when spouses have plenty of everything and begin to lead a life of luxury, distortions in family life may emerge, though while they were overcoming their difficulties together their relations were healthy.

Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: Unless you have joy in giving others disinterested help, you will sooner or later begin to reckon: You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. And then resentment and dissatisfaction with your family life and your other half will follow.

Farida Savelyeva: What can we recommend those who are thinking of divorce?

Nadezhda Khramova: If you search for a better partner in life by betraying your spouse it will lead only to one result—you will lose yourself. In our times, family (namely one family for one’s entire life) is the eternal reminder of the Lord Jesus Christ Who, calling on us to be perfect, affirmed that one marriage that lasts for a lifetime is ideal. Any marriage can always be saved, unless the situation is aggravated by unsolvable problems. I would say to a couple: “If you divorce, your lives won’t improve. You shouldn’t count on the success of a second attempt. Since you have not solved the problems that arose in your first marriage, you will surely encounter them in your second marriage and they will even double! If you feel you have come to the point of divorce, then remember that it is not the end—these are only temporary difficulties that you must overcome!

Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: I would recommend to those who are on the brink of divorce to try to understand how you got to this critical point, to realize the mistakes, in particular your own mistakes; then you will be able to overcome the deadlock of misunderstanding and disaffection. Family life, like spiritual life, is not all clear sailing. We all have our ups and downs. The main thing is not to act recklessly, not to make rash decisions and not to think that it is the end of the relationship. And at some point nearly all spouses have thoughts like these. Know that these are diabolical temptations. If you do divorce, you will feel very bitter and you will come to understand that you did not have serious reasons for drifting apart. Misunderstanding and arguments are practically unavoidable in marriages, but you should remember that it is possible to overcome anger, beginning with annoyance; rash steps are generally made in annoyance and irritation. You need to break free from your emotions, anger, or jealousy—they are very poor “advisers”. You need to quiet down and see a specialist, because being on the verge of divorce is already an illness that should be treated! Nothing disappears of itself. Happy memories are very helpful in such situations. The spouses have lived together, say, for fifteen years—and has their family life always been as bad and disastrous as today?!

There is a short story by the modern author Alexander Prokhanov entitled, “A Dress of Many Colors”. One man’s wife leaves him. This man constantly changed places of employment: drilled boreholes, built an oil-pipeline, worked as a truck driver, and made a living by fishing. Thus they moved from one place to another across the country for a long time without permanent residence, without a home of their own, remaining childless. At last the wife resolves to part with him—she longs for simple happiness, a home, a genuine family. At first the abandoned husband does not worry much. “I don’t care! There are lots of other women around!” But soon he begins to recall the time when they were a young, beautiful and happy couple, when they loved each other and enjoyed their life together. He recalls all the joys and sorrows they had together. He finally recollects how he once gave his wife a many-colored dress and how beautiful she looked in that dress. He finds this old and tattered dress and realizes that all he had been doing over those years—his job, his search and aspirations—all of this had been done for his wife’s sake and together with her. Without her all these things are worthless. So the man decides to find his ex-wife at whatever the cost because life is meaningless without her.

If you cannot change the situation and find a solution right now, don’t take ill-considered and thoughtless steps. Give place to God and time, and He will provide such circumstances that will show you the path.

In any case, do try to put off your divorce. It is a tragedy for you, for your spouse, for your children—absolutely for everybody! The lives of your children will change radically, and they will certainly build their own families under the shadow of the tragedy they have experienced.

Spouses quarrel and reconcile, but for some reason they don’t think about their children—they are not to be blamed for anything! In the end, their children—innocent and vulnerable creatures—become hostages of the parents’ egos.

In conclusion I would like to share several more rules that I apply in my own family life as well. As Blessed Augustine of Hippo said, family is a little piece of Paradise on Earth. People marry for their happiness and build a small ‘Paradise’ in their families with their own hands. We should give joy to our loved ones every day: say pleasant words to them, praise, thank, help each other, forgive. At the same time, we should do our best to avoid bad, unkind words, coldness, inattention, insults, petty and unnecessary reproaches, annoyance and anger during the day. Another important rule is the ability to see as many positive sides in your beloved spouse and advantages of your married life as possible, to cherish them and not to try to re-educate and change people around you. The ability to forgive the faults of your neighbors and not to make a tragedy of them is very essential as well. And the final point. You should do your common family work. Family is one organism, all of whose members share one common life and help one another.

And one more piece of advice to those who are going to marry: You should enter into marriage thinking that it will last forever, and accept your chosen one as your life’s companion, sent to you by God, and to mend your own faults, among other things.

By Archpriest Pavel Gumerov, Nadezhda Khramova, Farida Savelyeva

Source: http://orthochristian.com/104238.html

Subscribe to: Posts ( Atom )

Search This Blog

featured Slider

17 Suggestions on True Happiness in Your Daily Work and Life

A Short List of the Bright Week Do’s & Don’ts

Lenten or Not: How to Read Ingredient Labels during Great Lent

Reading Holy Texts if You have Little Free Time

Your Guide to Prostrations during Great Lent

How to Baptize a Person in Case of Mortal Danger?

How to Read Spiritual Literature Together with Your Children

How to Save Your Family from Divorce: Advice from a Priest and a Psychologist

Partners

Search This Blog

featured Slider

About Our Blog

Most Popular Posts

Partners