She thanks the Lord not only for joys but also for
sorrows. Anna has had more than her fair share of sorrows in the course of her
life. Her oldest son Alexander fell prey to drug dependency… Today I talk with
this outstanding woman who can honestly be called a warrior for Christ.
Anna, there is a stereotypical perception of drug
addicts as children from dysfunctional families. If an individual starts to use
illicit drugs, it invariably means that his or her parents “missed out”. Is
this the case?
No-no-no! Guilt is the first feeling that a mother
runs into, and it’s not quite right! Psychologists unanimously say that you
mustn’t regard yourself, and yourself only, guilty of the problem. When I first
came to a mutual-aid group, I saw that drug abuse impacts poor and affluent
families equally. One’s status or level of education just doesn’t matter! Drugs
don’t spare anyone. That is why you can’t say that a child decided to taste the
forbidden fruit because he lacked something. I can say even more: this problem
may hit a Christian home, too… Every teenager has his wishes and desires. Every
teenager wants to achieve something and to stick out of the crowd.
However, I must admit that almost all co-dependent
mothers look alike. We forced our children to run from home by terrorizing them
with excessive care and total control. You know, when I came to mutual-aid
group meetings, I saw my own reflection in other mothers. My life consisted of
serving my child almost exclusively: I checked his school bag; I made sure that
he returned home from school in time; I’d heat up the cooked meal and fetch it
to his room, and then wash his dirty plate. My husband and I did everything on
our own and didn’t entrust it to our children. We didn’t even teach them to
spend money properly and sensibly.
Can you please tell us what your family lifestyle was like?
You know, it was the worst thing that can happen in a
family: the loss of natural hierarchy. I mean, the husband must be the head under
all circumstances! His wife must be his handmaid, and children must take up the
third place. Nowadays, children are the centre of the world for most families.
Even secular therapists notice that. Those who are familiar with Christianity
must remember Apostle Paul’s words, I would have you know, that the head of
every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of
Christ is God (1 Cor. 11:3).
If the atmosphere in your home is healthy, i.e., when
the wife obeys her husband, respects and admires him, their children will internalise
it. They will be able to avoid an immense lot of problems.
We’ve always had good relationship with my husband but
children were the most important still.
I know that Alexander was 20 when you learned about
the trouble that he found himself in and started visiting mutual-aid groups for
co-dependent relatives. Was it hard to recognise and acknowledge your errors?
It’s always hard to own your errors. For me, the fact
that I was intuitively drawn to God was really helpful. I had been to church
before but as soon as I heard the horrible news, I made up my mind to change my
life thoroughly. You know, I didn’t grudge against God, I mean, I didn’t ask
him why it had happened to me. On the contrary, I felt such an urge to lead the
life of spirituality, prayer, and church worship that I even wept in church. I
was weeping and thanking God for calling me, even if it happened in these
conditions… Nevertheless, I became closer to him.
Well, and of course, they explained to us during our
meetings in the mutual-aid groups: if you want your children to change, you
must change, too. It was difficult because we had always given the best to our
sons but now we had to do otherwise! However, our effort yielded positive
outcomes. I used to cry and yell at my son when he came home stoned… After I
turned to God, I became calmer. I would cross him secretly, and then run to the
church and pray because hysteria won’t solve anything, whereas prayer can work
wonders.
That was how, step by step, everything started to
change. My relationship with my husband changed drastically! It was almost as
if we re-discovered one another… Of course, it is very difficult to be a decent
wife and mother. It is hard to struggle with your pride and wilfulness. Anyway,
you can’t change anything without effort!
Anna, your son served two jail terms for theft. By
that time, you had already been a practising Christian. Did you feel upset or
disappointed? It appeared as if God had stepped aside and stopped helping you,
didn’t it?
Praise the Most High, I never harboured this kind of
thoughts. Actually, it was in jail that my son took communion as an adult for
the first time (I had taken him and his brother to church as kids, of course).
He was serving his second time in jail at that moment. I saw the Mother of God
in a dream that night. I saw her image, which covered the entire sky. I woke up
and couldn’t figure out the meaning of that dream all morning. I felt that it
was somehow related to my son. I couldn’t call him, but he called me during the
day. They were allowed to make a phone call once a month. I told him about my
dream and asked, “What happened, son?” He replied, “Yes, mum! I went to church
and took communion today.”
I sent him letters with paper icons. I even sent him a
photo of Father Andrew Lemeshonok and told him about the remarkable priest that
we have in the Convent. My son later went to the Convent to talk with him.
You see, God was as close to us as always. Or maybe
even closer than usual…
You were the first member of your family who became a
practising Christian. How did your family react?
They were sceptical and scornful at first. Later, they
got used to it, and then God’s grace touched their hearts, too. For instance,
when I invited a priest to consecrate our flat, my older son wasn’t home. We
told the priest about our tragedy, and he said that the son would feel better after
the consecration. Indeed, we did not quarrel any longer. Our house became a
peaceful place. I told Sasha about it later, and he responded, “Mum, you won’t believe
me but when I came home on that day, I could clearly feel the new atmosphere of
peace and grace!”
Generally speaking, spiritual effort is never in vain.
During one of our meetings, a woman shared that while she was kneeling in front
of an icon and praying, her son, who suffered from drug addiction, entered the
room and asked angrily, “Are you praying again?!” She said that she was scared
by that alien, non-human voice of his. It was full of hatred.
Anna, your son doesn’t do drugs for a year now but you
continue to attend mutual-aid groups. Why do you feel that it’s necessary?
I see that I’m still co-dependent. Although Sasha is
29 already, I sometimes go too far with my micromanagement of his affairs, and
he has to stop me. You just can’t imagine how terrible this illness is! There
was a time when I was brought to the point of spending all nights walking
around the neighbourhood looking for him. It was absolutely useless… I was
wasting all the energy that I could have used to pray and create a warm
atmosphere at home on anxiety and panic.
Dear mums, if you read this and these words sound
familiar, this is my advice to you: start by changing yourselves until it’s too
late! You can change a lot! May the Lord help us all!
Interview by
Natallia Klimova
September 5, 2018
St. Elisabeth
Convent
CONVERSATION