Uprooting Self-Will
As has been stated before, the
child will do nothing at church which he has not learned at home. Children, not
being hypocritical by nature, act according to what they have been taught by
their parents. Curiously, parents are often unaware of what they have really
taught their children until they see the results manifested in public. That is
why this book began with the child at Divine Liturgy—with all the incipient
problems highlighted. It is often easier to choose to blame the traditional
Orthodox Church for making the church atmosphere uncomfortable for parents of
uncontrollable children. But if we are honest with ourselves, then we are
forced to take a hard look at our home life and our methods of discipline in
order to find out where we went wrong.
What most of us will find when
we view our child-rearing methods through an Orthodox perspective is that we
have allowed the child to develop a powerful self-will. We have come to expect
disobedience rather than obedience from the child. Indeed, we have often
conformed ourselves the child's will, striving to mold ourselves to the child's
every whim and desire, desperate to win and hold the child's love and approval.
What's wrong with this
picture? It is a perfect photographic negative of what Orthodox family life is
supposed to be. Black is white and white is black whenever we embrace worldly
standards of parenthood. This also means that we are calling good (strict
discipline and high standards) evil (repressive, fanatic) and evil (no
discipline, low standards) good ("affirming", understanding of
"differently-abled" children).
Self-will, once it is firmly
established, is so antithetical to Orthodoxy that it will render spiritual
growth impossible. It is the responsibility of the parents to impose their will
upon the child, even in the smallest details, even in the seemingly
insignificant areas of the child's life.
The will of the parents should
be imprinted upon each step— of course in a general way. Without this, the
behavior of the child can easily become corrupted. After enjoying himself
according to his own will, the child always returns unwilling to obey even in
the smallest things; and this if it happens only once—what then can one say if
this part of bodily activity is completely neglected? How difficult it is later
to uproot self-will, which so quickly seats itself in the body as in a
fortress. The neck will not bend, the hands and feet will not move, and the
eyes will not even wish to look as they are told.
But on the contrary, a child
comes out ready to obey any kind of order when from the very beginning he is
not given total freedom in his movements. In addition, there is no better
training in being the master of one's body than by forcing it to exert itself
according to orders. (St. Theophan the Recluse, Raising Them Right, Conciliar
Press, 1989, p. 34.)
Take, for example, a toddler
who becomes obstinate about food. The child is given a healthy breakfast but he
refuses to eat because he would rather play at that moment. He screams and
cries and thrusts the food away from him. Fine. Let him get down. A parent
cannot and should not force a child to eat. However, the child should not be
offered any more food until a specific time determined by the parent,
preferably the next mealtime. If the parent becomes obsessive about the child's
eating habits to the point where the child is fed on demand, the child will
learn:
1). The world revolves around
me. My desires supersede those of my parents and they must act according to my
will.
2). It is important that I
never feel hungry or uncomfortable in any way.
How could one expect such a
child to respond to the idea of fasting when he comes of age? It is especially
important that the child not connect the idea of "love" with the idea
of "instant gratification." Otherwise, all attempts at helping the
child to grow spiritually will be greeted as frightening portents of
abandonment.
From very early childhood the
child must learn that he will eat food given by a parent or permitted by a
parent at the time decided by the parent. He will play when and where the
parent decides. A child must learn from infancy to look to his parents for
guidance and not to his own will. We must be careful here to note that overcoming
self-will is not easy at all. We must expect to struggle and sometimes have
unpleasant confrontations with our children. This can certainly be exhausting
but if parents give in to their children's demands, even once, spiritual ground
is lost that is very difficult to regain. A child who cries in order to get his
way, for example, will cry for everything once he finds that this method moves
the parents to sympathy. This so-called "sensitive" child is merely a
manipulator of the feelings of others. To cater to this kind of manipulation as
though it were a touching character trait is to develop the child into a self-
involved cry-baby who will be unable to "cope" with anything he
chooses to avoid.
Daily Life
The Orthodox family gets up in
time to say their morning prayers together. If this means missing some sleep,
bear in mind that it is not only a good spiritual discipline for the adults in
the family, but a tremendous example to the children of where the family's
priorities truly lie. Of course, extenuating circumstances might render this
schedule impractical. If a member of the household works nights, for example,
he should be allowed to say his prayers later.
Before eating or drinking
anything, each member of the family should have some antidoron or a sip of holy
water. By this act we remind ourselves that every good gift comes from Our
Father in Heaven. When children begin each day with prayer and by partaking in
holy things, they will be far less likely to associate piety and godliness as
attributes to be considered on Sunday at Church.
In our culture, breakfast is
likely to be a hurried, informal meal. However, this is no excuse to forget
either the blessing or one's table manners. If the children are attending
public school, chances are that they have picked up some fairly deplorable
habits which must be vigilantly corrected. As with any other meal, complaints
about the food must not be tolerated. The day should start with a nutritious
meal but that does not mean that the mother must become a short-order cook
catering to each individual whim.
After breakfast, when various
members of the family have made their way to work or school, the traditional
Orthodox mother will find herself at home with her smaller children. Or, if she
is homeschooling, all her children will be there with her. The children will
not be at a day care center while she is at work because then we would not be
discussing the traditional Orthodox home. Frankly, the concept of a mother dropping
her children of each day at an institution in which a few underpaid employees
attempt to supervise several children at once is antithetical to the idea of
Orthodox homelife. The mother who wants to instill true Christian spirituality
in her children must be there to see to it herself.
Though cleanliness and
orderliness in the home are important and should not be neglected, the Orthodox
mother should avoid the use of television as a babysitter while she attends to
household chores. No matter what the sponsors of children's shows may try to
tell us, there is very little on television which is actually instructive or
substantial. The rapidity with which the images are shown have a mind- numbing
affect on a toddler and afford them little opportunity for interactive play.
Television does, however, become addictive and parents who indulge this
addiction usually end up experiencing the very unnerving phenomenon of their
small children demanding to see "their" programs and throwing
tantrums when their demands are not met.
Far more instructive is the
constant verbal communication that should be taking place between mother and
child. This is how a young child learns to speak correctly. If the child is
allowed to play in the same area of the house where the mother is doing her
chores, they can have a lot of positive interaction without the mother having
to leave her tasks and devote her entire attention to the child. In addition,
some time should be set aside for the mother to read stories and play games
with the child. A mother is her child's first and best teacher provided she
does not turn her responsibilities over to the television set.
This is also a good time to
introduce children to concepts of beauty and harmony, particularly in the area
of music appreciation. Without worldly biases, small children inately love that
which is lovely. Peaceful and intricate melodies not only calm babies and small
children but help them to form a preference for that which is beautiful. As the
child grows, he will come in contact with cynical peers who identify their
world view with nihilistic noise. The best protection an Orthodox parent can
offer is to instill in the child a love of beauty and a belief in good, as
embodied by the Orthodox Church and expressed in many ways by those who love
God.
What else can a young child
learn at home with his mother? Other than the basic skills necessary for
functioning as a social being, the Orthodox child is forming a conscience and
it is critical that this conscience be formed correctly. He must not be
shielded from the fact that he is a fallen creature capable of sin and in need
of repentance. This self-knowledge must be cultivated. The mother must be
strong and look at her child in the light of what is best for his eternal soul.
She must:
1) Firmly insist that every
command she gives to the child, even the seemingly least significant, be
obeyed. If obedience is not forthcoming, there should be immediate and
unpleasant consequences. A mother who sighs and smiles after such a
transgression, saying, "I just can't get him to do a thing I say,"
has abdicated her responsibility for the child's soul.
2) Teach the child to respect
other people's property. This may mean that the mother will find herself
endlessly repeating, "Is that yours? No, that is not yours. Don't
touch." This will not only help instill a certain humility in the child (I
am not the center of the universe. Everything does not belong to me), but it
renders the child far more trustworthy in situations where he is not under
constant supervision.
3) Teach the child to ask
permission. Anyone who has visited an Orthodox monastery knows that the monks
ask a blessing of the abbot before they do anything - begin their work, go out
on an errand, take a drink of water. This not only helps the monks spiritually
in accepting authority and acting in obedience, it helps the abbot maintain
good order in the monastery. If a monk were to take food without asking, how
would the abbot know whether the brothers had enough food for the evening meal?
The same is true in the Orthodox household. If a child must ask permission
before eating, then the mother knows how much food he has eaten and whether or
not he might make himself sick by having more. If the child must ask permission
before he goes out to play, the mother knows where he is and will not spend
time franticly searching for him.
Permissiveness is not
kindness. A young child who has bonded to his mother from infancy desires to
please her. His willfullness and rebellion do not make him happy; they are merely
traits of fallen humanity. Some modern theories teach that it is wrong to make
a child apologize when they have done something wrong. They surmise that since
the child is not able to feel genuine contrition, we make the child into a
hypocrite by forcing them to say what they do not feel. The baptized Orthodox
Christian child does indeed feel the inner imbalance of his soul when he has
sinned. He must be taught to recognize the source of that imbalance and to
express the repentance that is necessary for him to be restored to harmony with
God.
What frost is for flowers, so
is the transgression of the parents' will for a child; he cannot look you in
the eyes, he does not desire to enjoy kindnesses, he wishes to run away and be
alone; but at the same time his soul becomes crude, and the child begins to
grow wild. It is a good thing to dispose him ahead of time to repentance, so
that without fear, and with trust and with tears, he might come and say,
"I did something wrong." (Ibid, p. 43.)
In the evening, the family is
reunited. The evening meal should be taken together. Sadly, our society has
largely abandoned the concept that it is important for the family to come
together in joyful fellowship at the end of the day. Frantic accommodation of
various schedules, snacks taken in front of the television, grazing from the
refrigerator — these have taken the place of meaningful conversation and the
bonding of parents and children around the dining room table. Let it not be so
for the Orthodox family. The hectic pace of life being what it is, the evening
meal may be one of the few times we have during the work week to relax and
enjoy one another's company. This is where children learn how to make congenial
conversation and have a chance to tell the important events of their day. It
should be an opportunity for everyone at the table to talk about the things
that interest them with the people they love most. This is not the occasion for
the mother to tell her husband about the transgressions of the younger
children, or for heated arguments of any kind, or for adolescent sullenness, or
for complaints about the food. Informality within the family does not mean that
we are free to be our rudest and crudest with those who must put up with us. It
means we are free to express our love and interest in those with whom our lives
are entwined.
At whatever time is most
suitable to bring the entire family together, we say our evening prayers. This
may be followed by the daily scripture reading or a reading from the lives of
the Saints. These are very beneficial for children as it gives them spiritual
heroes to emulate. If, when we begin the practice of spiritual readings,
younger children become squirmy and inattentive, we must not be discouraged.
They will soon accept whatever is routinely done and will understand what is
said better with time.
In Conclusion
For Orthodox Christians, every
day is dedicated to God. Our earthly concerns must always be secondary to our
spiritual concerns. This is what our children must see and experience always.
When there is a Feast Day of the Church, the Orthodox family must make every
attempt to be present at the services for the Feast. If this means missing
school or work, the sacrifice of that time will only help to underline the fact
that worship of God is a priority. When, for some reason, it is impossible for
the family to attend services on a Feast Day, they should make an effort to
either say some of the prayers from the services in their icon corner at home
(if they have the books) or teach the children the significance of the feast
day and read the appropriate scripture readings from the Bible. At all times,
the children should be made aware of festal and fasting periods and what is
expected of them during these periods. The more they know of the cycle of the
Church calendar, the more Orthodox children will feel themselves to be a part
of the greater Body of Christ.
Source: http://orthodoxinfo.com/praxis/youngchildren.aspx
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