How Orthodox Christian Family Roles Should be Distributed
Archpriest Paul Gumerov speaks about how
family roles should be
distributed, who should be the head, what are the
responsibilities of husbands and wives, what a wife should do if her husband doesn’t want to take responsibility for the welfare of his family,
and how husbands can become true husbands.
I greet
you, my friends! We continue our cycle of conversations
on family life, and today’s theme is quite
difficult: we will be speaking about family hierarchy,
about the shape of a family, and the roles of the
spouses.
Three types of relations within a family
I’ll
begin from a bit of a distance. Psychologists usually
delineate three types—three models—of relations
between spouses; they can tentatively be called: adult-child;
child-child; and adult-adult. I’ll explain.
The
relations model “adult-child” happens, as a rule,
when an already responsible and mature man marries a girl taken out from under a caring parental
wing, who is absolutely not yet mature, and
therefore the husband takes care of
his wife, playing the role of adult, with her playing
the role of child in this family dyad. Or perhaps the
reverse option: when an authoritative and domineering woman—and such an example of behavior was
perhaps taken from her parents’ family—marries a “mama’s boy,” used to always obeying his mother. This often happens when the woman is
older than the man. These are the two
“adult-child” situations.
The
“child-child” relationship is most often seen in
student families: two fairly young people, a boy and girl,
start a family, they’re very good together,
they frolic like two foals in a meadow, neither wanting
to take any specific responsibilities upon themselves…
Neither seeks for power in this pair, they are
friends one with another, but such relations are not an
indicator of maturity in these people.
The
“adult-adult” model is the most stable and most
desirable. These people enter into marriage seriously,
both as adults spiritually, psychologically, and
physically, and they can take responsibility for the family and for their second halves and
fulfill the roles inherent
to husbands and wives in marriage.
Who is the head of the family?
And who
is the head of the family? Here there can also be several
different models. The first model is that which the Lord
commanded, that is, that the husband is the head of the
family and the head of the wife. Another model, not uncommonly met in our times, is when the wife
is the head of the family. And another: the
head of the family is the child:
everything revolves around him, he’s an only child,
he’s the center of the universe, he dictates terms,
all his whims are fulfilled, and so on and so on.
Today,
unfortunately, another model is also common: the head of
the family is the mother of the husband or of the wife—in
principle there is no difference.
The
western family model proposes that the spouses—partners
equal in rights—together carry out
this business project called “family.”
Here no one is the head, although we all
perfectly well understand that every task, including business, should have a director, a head.
It’s just as in the army, in the navy, in a
firm, in a company there also
exists a hierarchy, without which work is impossible, without which everything goes wrong—all the
moreso such a complicated matter like family life.
In our
conversation dedicated to the Sacrament of Marriage
we recalled that the Lord commanded us about family
hierarchy that the husband is the head of the wife. The husband is an image of Christ in the
Church. The husband takes the wife. By the
way, the Slavonic word “брак”
(“marriage”) comes straight from the
word “брать” (“to take”). And the
wife looks for in a man something strong and powerful,
a stone wall behind which she wants to hide, and she walks
behind her husband, entering into marriage with him.
These indigenous Russian words quite well
illustrate how the family hierarchy should be built.
Head or despot?
Quite
prevalent today, unfortunately, is the myth that Christianity
supposedly calls for some kind of male despotism.
The book Domostroy is often brought up in this
regard, but it’s all mythological insinuations
against the genuine Christian life—true
Christian hierarchy has no such relationships.
Maybe one of us has read this wonderful book,
Domostroy, the work of a certain priest Sylvester
living in the seventeenth century. Of course, it’s not
completely applicable to the realities of our
life. But recall what husband and wife are called in
this book: “lord and lady and their children.”
Spouses are looked upon as the lords of their
home. Naturally, among these two rulers, this royal
pair there is a head person. Who is the head person?
The husband. And how should he be? As wise as Solomon?
A great
strategist, tactician, a man who reveals in himself
an example of strong-willed decision making and exceptional
intellectual development? No. A husband’s
task is completely different: to be a provider
for his family (For no man ever yet hated his own
flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the
Lord the Church [Eph. 5:29]); to be a person
who makes decisions. The wife also has the right of vote,
naturally, but her voice is advisory because the last
word remains with the husband. But in this the husband
bears all the responsibility: he doesn’t just make
decisions, doesn’t simply have the right to
the last word, but, having made a decision, all of
its consequences he takes upon himself.
Imagine
such a situation: a man in some military unit, with
remarkable strong-willed qualities and an outstanding training (having gone through the General
Staff Academy), with
serious experience (for example, he served in “hot
spots”) received assignment as a deputy commander
or a unit commander’s assistant. The unit commander
is a young man, who as soon as he finished some higher
military institution was immediately appointed as commander.
And in the army there is a wonderful institution—subordination,
manifested in that the juniors
give honor to the seniors: that is, those of lower rank honor those of higher. And the commander
is always right. The commander bears
responsibility for what he says. His
commands are not discussed. What can this man do,
called to the part of the commander’s assistant? He can,
of course, begin to not respect this young commander,
trying to show some kind of ambition. Another scenario:
he could have a positive influence on this inexperienced
commander—answering for his role in which
he’s been appointed to serve, honoring and respecting
his elder in rank and position. This is very important,
because if we don’t revere our head, then,
naturally, we’ll never have a good relationship
with him, and we’ll never be able to discuss
with him decisions which to us seem correct. If the
commander, although young and inexperienced, is not stupid, naturally, he will take counsel with
the wise experience of his subordinates. This is a
good example for how to
structure family life. The task of the head is not to make only univocal decisions, but love and
counsel, which we usually wish for people at their
weddings. We must consult with our spouses.
We are so different
Everyone
on the team, on the ship, in the military unit, in the
firm has his own functions, and every family member has his particular tasks. Why didn’t the Lord
create for Adam a helper just like him?—a woman, but somehow masculine, with a highly-developed
musculature, a stunning intellect, able to make
decisions … why? Because
her function is completely different: the task of a woman
is to be the helpmeet of the husband, to equip the family life, raise the children, help her
husband and support his decisions… to be
responsible for her own area.
Husbands, surely, like many men have probably more than
once assured themselves that they cannot fulfill a woman’s
tasks, and if obliged to do so then they will,
although poorly. When my wife leaves me with the kids I
don’t cope with the situation very well, but for her
it’s quite easy… When I have to do their
lessons with them, watch after them, make their food even for just two days for me it’s a heavy
load. But for her, because she’s a woman,
it’s all natural and easy.
And such
love, compassion, patience, ableness to adapt to certain
life conditions, and versatility such as women have a
man will never have. A man has his functions, and therefore
Adam and Eve were created so very different, that he,
the husband, the head of the family, was able even
in his wife’s weakness to demonstrate the best
masculine qualities. This is very
important.
And if the head does not want to be the head?
I would
like to say a few words about how a woman should conduct
herself if she sees that the man with whom she has concluded a spousal union does not manifest
the necessary volitional qualities and
decisiveness and generally doesn’t
really want to take on the responsibilities of being
the head of the family.
Remember
that we can only change someone by our love and good
relationship with him, so you shouldn’t fight with your
husband for power, but fulfill those functions given to
women by God, given by nature, not saddling yourself
with others.
Alas,
there is the fairly common situation in which the husband
is a “mama’s boy,” not wanting to take
responsibility for his family, not wanting to earn much; the wife establishes herself in one
job, a second, third, taking the family cart
upon herself, and overexerting
herself and complaining she goes to see batiushka,
to a psychologist … then she divorces her
husband… She burdens herself with back-breaking responsibilities…
This is, of course, completely wrong.
The wife’s task is something else.
The task
of a wife, the husband’s helper, is the raising
of the children, the arrangement of everyday family
life; she pities her husband, tends to and nourishes
him, performing the duties of a psychotherapist. There’s a
great saying: “To the wife the husband
is a pastor, and to the husband the wife a bandage.” She is the doctor who heals his spiritual
and emotional wounds.
The
second thing a wife should remember is not to be afraid to
show weakness. Women who have such sluggish husbands
often turn into generals in a skirt, and not only take upon
themselves all the familial responsibilities, but also
begin to command everyone and everything. But they
should more often ask their husbands about such things
and seek his advice.
And,
naturally, you should honor him. A person will be towards
us exactly how we see him, that is, how we respect him. Without honor and respect the correct
family hierarchy is impossible.
Encouragement
is important—definitely at least timid steps
which began to make your husband feel encouraged. Praise
him, support him, and strengthen him.
Many
women think that their husbands can somehow guess by himself that his wife needs help with
something around the house.
Don’t be afraid to give your husband a job, but,
again, something feasible. Men are bad at understanding
abstract arguments like “Oh, it’s so
hard for me!” “I’m so tired!”
and “Why don’t you do anything?!”
You should give him clear and concrete tasks:
“Look, here’s the grocery list. Please go to the
store,” and then thank him with a kiss on the
cheek.
And
another very important point: it’s important not only to
praise him more often, but try to avoid all kinds of
judgmental words which lower his already low self-esteem.
Especially avoid such condemnation in front of other
people. Many women, falling into despair, begin to call
all their friends and mothers to complain about their
husbands, which, of course, doesn’t promote good
relations with their spouse, but on the contrary, only
spoils it.
To stand at the helm of the family ship
I would
like to make a few suggestions to men. They say now that
is a difficult time. But when was it in reality simple?!
Every time has its complications.
Today
there are many men who were raised by single mothers,
but there is nothing fatal in this. I have met not a few
people who grew up in broken homes but became wonderful
fathers, wonderful husbands, providers, people, making
all the important decisions. After all, this role is given
to us by God, as outlined in Holy Scripture, which is
our textbook for life.
The task
of the husband and the main joy of his life is to take care
of his family. It’s for this sake, they say
actually, that we make families, for this we live, for our family and loved ones, serving them. It
should be a joy, and that’s why you go to
work which is hard and wears you
out, but you understand that you’re laboring
for the sake of your family. Then you return home from work
tired, but it’s a joyful weariness, it’s a
joy which is incomparable—the joy of a real man.
I think
that anyone who doesn’t want to go down the path of
the absolutely crazy models that I mentioned in the
beginning of our talk, but on the path established by God will always receive help from God and the
grace of God. And everything, I think, will work out
for such a person, but, of course, in time.
Clearly the habits with which you
have lived for many years, which you got from your own
family, are not so easy to drive out from your soul. But
any habit can be removed with an effort to acquire
the opposite habit. I wish for you the help of God in this endeavor.
To men:
be the true head of your families; and to women: be your
husbands’ helpers. May the Lord help us all in this
work!
By Archpriest Paul Gumerov
Source: http://orthodoxchristian.online/family-hierarchy.html
