Young Children in the Orthodox Church. Part One: At the Divine Liturgy
"Suffer
little children to come unto me, for of such is the Kingdom of God." (Luke
18:16)
Of
course, we Orthodox Christian parents want to bring our children to Christ. We
bring them to be baptized, they are present with us at the Divine Services,
they receive communion regularly. Isn't that enough? No, we are still holding
them back if we are waiting for them to absorb Orthodoxy by osmosis. Their
bodies may be in the church, but their minds and spirits are far away. They
come into the presence of the Lord but they do not know where they are or Who
He is. Their boredom and restlessness should tell us this but, unfortunately,
we often render ourselves oblivious to the messages the children are sending.
We ignore their behavior, hoping that this is merely symptomatic of youthful
ignorance and that time will take care of the problem. In fact, it will. When
they are older, these children will leave the Church, a church of which they
have never been made to feel a part. They will leave and we will be answerable
to God for their departure.
We
have a responsibility to our children and to meet that responsibility we must
stop listening to worldly wisdom and listen instead to eternal wisdom. The
world tells us to indulge our children and make sure that they are never
uncomfortable or unhappy. If we heed this kind of philosophy, we will feed our
children's egos and starve their souls. God, in His infinite love for mankind,
allows us to suffer terrible hardship and grief for the sake of our eternal
souls. We are afraid to allow our children to suffer a temporary aggravation
for the sake of theirs. The world has taught us to have no confidence in our
ability to teach and discipline our own children. We want teams of child
psychologists to approve our every action and we fear losing the love of our
children every time a conflict arises. Even when we are willing to admit the
Church into our child-rearing decisions, we have a tendency to want to hand
over all of our responsibilities to some hapless individual who suggests having
Protestant-style Sunday school sessions during the Divine Liturgy. This is
nonsense. Our children are our responsibility and we can begin all by ourselves
with two basic principles:
1.
We must instruct our children from the day they are born in Orthodox Christian
life by our example, in our every thought, word and deed.
2.
We must concentrate, from their earliest childhood, on teaching our children
basic civilized behavior, without which any further education, either secular
or religious, will be impossible.
This
is not at all complicated or difficult. The key is consistency.
Now,
let us proceed to examine how we can apply the above principles at a Sunday
Liturgy. Please remember that Divine Liturgy is a culmination of all the prayer
and worship that takes place in the home during the week. If Sunday is the only
day your family gives a thought to God, do not be surprised if your children
feel confused and out of place. They cannot be expected to put on a show of
piety once a week. They only know how to act out of heartfelt belief and
habitual prayerful expressions of love for God. Let that be our first example
to them and proceed then to preparations for Sunday Liturgy.
Preparing for
Sunday Liturgy
On
Sunday morning, the family should get up in a timely manner, so that all can be
properly prepared to go to Church. Large families sometimes find it difficult
to have all the children washed, dressed, and brushed in time without a lot of
nagging, arguing, and rushing around frantically trying to attend to last
minute details. A little organization can go a long way toward a serene
beginning to this holy day. First of all, have each child's church clothes laid
out the night before, already inspected by a parent so that there will be no
last minute arguments about inappropriate, mismatched, stained or torn apparel.
Children four years old and older can certainly dress themselves. Older
siblings can help the younger ones.
Good
grooming is important, both from a spiritual and a psychological standpoint.
Dress a child in play clothes and he will be prepared to play. This was once a
guiding principle behind school dress codes and is a reason that many public
schools nowadays are requiring uniforms. Little boys should wear suits to
Church, just as the men do (or should). It is not necessary to spend a fortune.
A hand-me-down or a thrift shop bargain will suffice as well a new suit to fix
the idea in the child's mind that he is wearing special clothing to a special
place where he is expected to act like a man. Not only will the suit serve to
instill in him a sense of dignity, but it will also restrict his movements
somewhat so that sloppy, casual behavior is rendered far more difficult. Dress
shoes go with a suit. Not only do tennis shoes look ridiculous on someone
attired properly for Church, but they contradict the message (which should be
reinforced constantly) that Church is not a place to play.
Little
girls should wear nice dresses and dress shoes. Even from infancy, their heads
should be covered. Some people who are misinformed about Orthodox tradition may
try to tell you that girls do not need to wear a scarf or hat until they are
twelve. Perhaps this has become confused with the age children are usually
confirmed into the Roman Catholic Church or they think that the head covering
somehow signals to the community that the girl will soon be available for marriage.
Whatever
the source of the misconception, it has no basis in Orthodox tradition
whatsoever. Girls and women should arrive at Church with their heads covered,
stand throughout the service with their heads covered, and leave Church the
same way. This is done for spiritual purposes concerning modesty and humility.
Therefore, do not be misled into believing that the head covering needs to be
worn only when confessing or communing (another popular myth).
Boys
and girls should be clean and their hair brushed. Even a very small child
experiences anticipation and a sense of awe about an event for which they are
being so carefully prepared. When a child is allowed to go to Church looking
unkempt, dressed in whatever assortment of clothes that came to hand that
morning, that child will look and feel like an afterthought - someone who had
to be dragged along when the parents wanted to go to Church. No one should
expect an "afterthought" to be terribly thrilled about the idea of
attending services or to be very cooperative when he gets there. Another
important aspect to be considered is that, fair or not, the child will judged
by the adults at Church according to his or her appearance and treated
accordingly. Warm approval and compliments from adults other than his parents
can have a very positive and encouraging effect on a small child. He will not
receive any such attention if it does not appear that even his parents think
enough of him to do more than toss some wrinkled clothes at him in the morning.
The
tone of parental expectations and familial participation can be set during
communion prayers before the family even leaves for Church. As at all prayer
times in the icon corner, the children should be expected to stand quietly and
reverently. Even very small children should be with their parents at this time
because even if they do not understand the words of the prayers, they do
understand the serious attitude of the parents. This will help to accustom them
to particular behavior whenever prayer is being said, thus preparing them to be
quiet and attentive in Church. Children who are old enough to read should be
allowed to read some of the communion prayers. This will help them to
understand that, as they mature, they will be expected to take on some of the
responsibilities of adults. Spiritually, psychologically, and emotionally they
will respond with enthusiasm to this invitation to become a contributing member
of the family Church.
Entering the
Church
Before
arriving at Church, it may be necessary to remind the children that they are
about to enter a holy place. Laughter and loud speech must cease before we even
approach the Church, as it is inappropriate, disrespectful and may distract
those already inside the Church. We should all enter quietly and reverently.
The reason we get up on Sunday morning in a timely manner is so that we will
arrive before the service begins. Showing respect for God, the Church, the
priest, and the Church community, we thereby set a good example for our
children to follow.
Children
should be taught from earliest childhood how to reverence icons properly. Their
first act upon entering an Orthodox Church should be to reverence the icons in
an orderly and pious fashion as they have seen the adults do. Parents should
help very small children by holding their hands and going through the motions
of making the sign of the Cross with them until they are able to do it by
themselves. Small children should be watched carefully and guided as they
reverence the icons. Left to themselves, many children who have not completely
grasped the idea that these actions are serious will show off or make a joke
out of making the sign of the Cross. They do this, perhaps, out of
self-consciousness but it cannot be tolerated. A firm correction must ensue
followed by a demand that the child make the sign of the Cross properly. If he
cannot or will not obey, the parent should take the child's hand and guide him
through the proper motions.
Candles
are not playthings, lit or unlit. Neither are they teething- rings. Churches
and monasteries purchase candles for a specific purpose - so that the people
can light them and set them before the icons in remembrance of prayerful
intentions. Once lit before an icon, the candle itself is considered holy and
must be dealt with reverently. Children who are old enough and have shown a
certain degree of maturity may be allowed to light their own candles before the
icons, but only under the watchful supervision of the parents. If, however, the
child makes a game of this, the privilege should be revoked until such time as
he understands what he is doing. A note of caution is in order here. Candles
are open flames which can cause injury to the child. Little girls with long
hair are particularly susceptible to setting themselves ablaze. Always stand
next to your child as he handles the candle because a moment of inattention on
the part of the child (or the parent) can have serious consequences. Let us
also refrain from sending bored children to "tend" the candle stands.
The distraction often created by adults noisily blowing out candles and tossing
them into a box is bad enough, but the effect is magnified when the job is
undertaken by a child who craves diversion.
After
reverencing the icons and lighting candles, men and boys should take their
places on the right side of the church; women and girls should stand on the
left side. Of course, babies still small enough to be held comfortably should
be with their mothers, but it is important that boys learn to stand with the
men at a young age. Many people at first object to the idea of their family
being separated during the Divine Services. They are accustomed to standing
together at home when they pray together as a family.
But
when we go to church, we enter into a bigger community and a larger family. We
do not in our churches have family pews, or even stand apart as families,
leaving those without families even more alone and isolated. (Although, of
course, it is natural for young children to stand by their parents.) In this
context our particular family has less significance, and we adopt all those
present as our brothers and sisters, our family, in the Faith. (The Shepherd,
Vol. XV, Number 9, p. 17.)
Because
we are all one family in the Church, we have a responsibility to one another.
Therefore, it is appropriate for other members to help look after small
children who stray from their parents or who appear to be acting in rebellion
to their parents' wishes. This should not be interpreted by the parents as
interference or someone passing judgement on their ability to control their
children. It is well known that familiarity breeds contempt and that children
will often mind a stranger rather than their own parents. This is also often
necessary to keeping good order in the Church. Naturally, the primary
responsibility for children's behavior rests with the parents but if they are
absorbed in the service and do not notice their toddlers playing at the
candlestand or their older children slouching against the wall, it is perfectly
appropriate for an adult or older child to intervene. Rather than be offended,
the parents should thank those who care enough to take action.
The Service
Begins
Once
the service begins, our participation requires that we, as Orthodox Christians,
stand, listen attentively to the service, and make the Sign of the Cross
whenever Christ, the Holy Trinity, the Theotokos, or the saints are mentioned
by name. Our children are also Orthodox Christians and we do them great
spiritual harm when we do not teach them how to participate in the service. How
tragic it is to attend Divine Liturgy and see children left to themselves to
play in the choir loft or on the stairs, or stuck in a back corner somewhere
with a pile of toys. This conveys a powerful message to the children that Orthodoxy
is for adults only and that Christ and His Church are not concerned with
children at all. This is untrue and unfair. They have been baptized and they
need to be brought into the fullness of the worship.This is not necessarily
easy, however. Toddlers can be especially trying because they become easily
frustrated when their movements are restricted. At first, we may be able only
to keep them within arm's reach and quiet their louder outbursts. While we have
to allow them a certain latitude, we must very clearly define specific
boundaries to their movements and their behavior. All children (including
toddlers) need and crave such boundaries. This defines their world and gives
them a sense of security. If no boundaries are defined, a child will ultimately
wander aimlessly throughout the church until somebody stops him. This is
natural. However, this aimless wandering is unsettling for a child because he
has no secure place where he can feel he belongs. So we set the boundary for
the child close to us, within arm's reach, so that we can effectively enforce
the boundary.
The boundary will be tested, we can be assured of that. The child needs to test his limits to verify that they are real. Expect any limit set to be tested many times. Because of this, consistency is essential. As many times as the child tries to wander, we must bring him back. Any time the child makes a loud disturbance, we must insist he be quiet. If he chooses to persist or become even louder, we must immediately take him outside and discipline him in such a way that he will connect going outside with something unpleasant. We should take note that rebellion does not always manifest itself in a noisy way. Silent sobbing and sullen disobedience are just as indicative of self-will as tantrums and just as spiritually destructive if not corrected immediately. Frankly, early rebellion is best dealt with by administering a spanking. As controversial as this subject has become, an explanation is in order here.
The boundary will be tested, we can be assured of that. The child needs to test his limits to verify that they are real. Expect any limit set to be tested many times. Because of this, consistency is essential. As many times as the child tries to wander, we must bring him back. Any time the child makes a loud disturbance, we must insist he be quiet. If he chooses to persist or become even louder, we must immediately take him outside and discipline him in such a way that he will connect going outside with something unpleasant. We should take note that rebellion does not always manifest itself in a noisy way. Silent sobbing and sullen disobedience are just as indicative of self-will as tantrums and just as spiritually destructive if not corrected immediately. Frankly, early rebellion is best dealt with by administering a spanking. As controversial as this subject has become, an explanation is in order here.
A
surprising number of parents have fallen for the trendy philosophy that
spankings cause children to become hostile and violent. The fact is that most
small children learn very quickly from situations in which pain is the
consequence for wrongful actions. If they touch a hot stove, tease a grumpy
dog, or shut their fingers in a door, pain ensues. They do not hate the stove
or try to pick a fight with the dog. They simply avoid the action which led to
the painful consequence. Spanking as a consequence to rebellion is therefore
much more comprehensible to a small child than lengthy emotional appeals to
their better nature (which has not yet been developed) or long periods of being
ignored followed a furious pounding (which is not only abusive but confusing to
the child).
A
spanking is to be reserved for use in response to willful defiance, whenever it
occurs. Period! It is much more effective to apply it early in the conflict,
while the parent's emotional apparatus is still under control, than after
ninety minutes of scratching and clawing. (James Dobson, Dr. Dobson
Answers Your Questions, Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. p.157)
When
a parent attempts to apply the method described above, he must expect a certain
amount of criticism from other members of the community. For some reason,
people want to see a well-behaved child without ever seeing the discipline
applied. Some will say the parent is being too harsh, while others will
complain that the child is unruly. We cannot expect to please everybody. We
must set our own standards for our children's behavior and hold them to those
standards on a consistent basis. This approach will teach the children proper
behavior and will ultimately gain them much praise when they begin to act like
civilized human beings. The praise will be the more so because such behavior is
so rare nowadays.
Food
should never be brought into the church in the form of snacks and drinks to
keep small children quiet. (By the same token, teenagers should never be given
gum to keep them quiet either.) For one thing, it is uncanonical. The only food
consumed in the church is Holy Communion, Antidoron, and the Artos.
The eggs for Pascha and grapes for Transfiguration are brought in only to be
blessed. Other foods are forbidden by the canons. Besides, it is just not a
good idea to bribe children with snacks. This teaches the child an unhealthy
attitude toward food which can promote obesity and creates a bad habit which is
very difficult to break. Imagine how difficult it will be to teach such a child
how to fast for Communion and Antidoron when he is of age.
School
age children should be required to stand throughout the Liturgy, except at the
reading of the Epistle and during the Homily. Standing does not mean leaning
against the wall, slouching with hands in pockets, or hanging on to a parent
(or anybody else). Children need to be standing reverently with their hands at
their sides or folded in front of them. If the parent senses that the child is
unwell or unusually tired, then it is for the parent to indicate when the child
may sit down. We must not allow the children to make such decisions for
themselves. This is an opportunity to train them in obedience. There is a world
of difference between a self-willed child deciding that the service is too long
and that he must take a rest, and the parent permitting a necessary rest. The
key is who decides what is necessary. Orthodox spirituality is based in
obedience, as manifested in the obedience of the Theotokos and each of the
Saints. Even in the smallest acts, teachings of the Church are imparted to
children.
The
same parental discretion must be used in allowing children to leave the church
to go to the bathroom. Generally, it is a good idea to be sure that each child
goes to the bathroom before entering the church. In most cases, noone should
need to go again until the conclusion of Divine Liturgy. Children are very apt
to use the excuse that they must go to the bathroom so that they can leave the
church and play for awhile. In cases where the parent discerns a real need, the
parent should accompany the child to and from the restroom to insure against
any dawdling. This will also discourage any false alarms.
Should
the parent need to leave the church for any reason, the children should remain
in the service under the supervision of the other adults there. In such cases,
it should be understood that the other adults have the authority to issue
corrections and administer discipline where necessary. Neither adults nor
children should leave the church during the reading of the Gospel, the Great
Entrance, or at any time during the consecration of the Gifts. To leave at
these times is very disruptive and irreverent.
At Communion
Babies
and toddlers should, of course, commune every Sunday and Feast Day and they
require no particular preparation beforehand. By their demeanor, however, the
parents convey their personal sense of reverence for the Mysteries to the
child. As the child matures, the parents' responsibility increases. When the
parents and the Priest feel that the child is articulate enough and able to
understand right from wrong, it is time to have the child go to Confession.
There is no specified age when this should occur. Some local churches have
arbitrarily chosen the age of seven, but this is merely a guideline and should
not be considered absolute. Some children are able to confess at a very early
age, while others may need more time. The same holds true for fasting before
Communion. The parents should accustom their child to the idea, first of all,
by their example. When the parents observe that the child does not seem to
require food as frequently (for example, the child is able to play all morning
without showing interest in food), they should help the child understand that
we do not eat or drink in the morning before we commune. Again, this is a
matter of parental discretion but our goal is to strive to teach the child to
put off gratification of physical appetites in favor of a higher, spiritual
good.
It
has been mentioned several times here that children must learn to move and
speak reverently in the church. This must especially be emphasized when they
approach the Chalice. In some churches, children are communed after the adults.
This helps them to learn humility and respect for their elders. In whatever
order the people are communed, however, children should not be allowed to push
in front of others, fight among themselves, or in any way be disruptive. They
MUST be made to understand that they are approaching God Himself and that those
who partake unworthily (or with an unworthy attitude) do so to their detriment.
Because parents risk taking this condemnation onto themselves, they should be
vigilant of their child's behavior at all times. Should the child misbehave as
he is approaching the Chalice, the parent would do well to take him out of the
communion line and not permit him to commune that day. Communion is a sacred
privilege, not a right. The child will learn a tremendous spiritual lesson when
he learns not to take this privilege for granted.
The
child should approach the Chalice silently, arms folded across his chest. He
should open his mouth wide so that the Priest can easily put the spoon in the
child's mouth. The child should then close his mouth around the spoon and wait
for the Priest to pull the spoon out. If some of the Mystery should spill on
the child's lip or chin, he should let the person holding the Veil wipe it off.
After
communing, the child should move to the place where the Antidoron is
being given. There he should take one piece of Antidoron, dip it
into the wine, and put it directly into his mouth, cupping his other hand under
his chin to avoid spilling crumbs on the floor. If any crumbs do fall, the
parent should consume them. A small child should wait for someone to assist
him, rather than risk spilling the wine or knocking bread on the floor.
Children should be told that Antidoron is holy and should be
treated reverently.
Until
the child eats a full meal, he must not be allowed to put anything in his mouth
which will be taken out again, such as his thumb, his pacifier, lollipops, or
chewing gum. This is done out of reverence for any trace of the Mysteries which
might remain in the child's mouth.For the same reason, the child should be
discouraged from spitting. Should a baby spit up after Communion, a tissue or
paper towel should be used to clean up and then taken directly to the Priest so
that he can properly dispose of it by burning.
After Divine
Liturgy
Children,
as well as adults, should refrain from socializing until they are outside the
church. If there is a place provided for children to play, now is the time.
Children who have stood quietly throughout the Divine Liturgy should be praised
for their good behavior and allow to burn off some energy before the Agape meal.
There is a time and place for everything and just because we do not allow
children to play in the church does not mean that we do not understand their
need to play.
If
there is a meal at the church after Divine Liturgy, children's good manners can
make for a very pleasant social experience, while bad manners can make the meal
difficult for everybody. If the food is being served buffet style, children
should always be served after the adults. Small children will need their
parents to make up a plate for them, but even older children may need parental
supervision to be sure that they do not take more food than they can eat. Of
course, nobody should take any food until the blessing has been given by the
Priest. The parents should take responsibility to clean up any mess made by
their children. Older children and teenagers should be encouraged to assist in
serving the food and cleaning up after the meal. This will help them to feel
that they are a part of the community.
In Conclusion
It
is quite natural for parents to become discouraged when initial attempts at
disciplining children appear to fail miserably. None of what has been written
here can be accomplished overnight. There is no "instant" formula for
teaching children reverent and civilized behavior. Patience and, above all,
consistency are absolutely essential in attaining the desired results. This
consistency must be based on a sincere desire to set a proper example so that
we, the parents, demonstrate the best of Orthodox behavior.
True
Orthodoxy is reflected in a way of life which is practiced in the home on a
regular basis. To have children live one way at home and then suddenly to
expect them to act differently in the church is an unrealistic (and, frankly,
hypocritical) approach. If, during the course of the week, the child has not
been expected to stand quietly at prayers, act respectfully to his parents, and
exhibit good table manners, why should we be surprised if he acts badly at
church?
There
is no reason to be afraid to set high standards for our children.
When
we have high expectations, children not only gain self-esteem by meeting those
expectations, but they come to love and respect those who set them. Children
want the House of God to be a place of awe and mystery. Though young children
may have difficulty being attentive during long services or understanding what
these services mean, they yearn to be taught and naturally seek to understand
anything for which their parents show a deep reverence.
Traditional
Orthodoxy is a priceless pearl, a gift which we bestow upon our children. If we
act as though we are depriving our children in some way by insisting that they
adhere to the teachings of the church, we are blaspheming. When we bring our
children to Christ, we must not forget that we are bringing them into the
presence of the King of Kings. We do no service to our children when we deprive
them of the means of understanding this blessing. To give them the false
impression that they are equals with their "friend, Jesus" is to give
them a counterfeit Christ. We love our children and therefore we want to bring
them to Christ as He truly is, in all of His glory. To give them less is to
give them a stone in the place of bread.
If
a son shall ask bread of any of you that is a father, will he give him a stone?
Or if he ask a fish, will he for a fish give him a serpent? Or if he shall ask
an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If ye then, being evil, know how to give
good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give
the Holy Spirit to them that ask Him? (Luke 11:11-13)
Our
job as parents is to teach our children how to ask.
Article by Presbytera Juliana Cownie
Source: http://orthodoxinfo.com/praxis/youngchildren.aspx